středa 22. července 2020

Blame 26/04/2020


In the end of the day we are the only ones who we can blame from everything in our life. The good and the bad.
Yes, there are external elements, yes we cannot control what happens out there in the world and how will certain people behave. But we control what and who is in our life and how we interact and react to it, them.
If we are giving the responsibility to someone else's hands, it's US who we should blame when it does not turn out great. Because we gave them the power over our decisions. If we listen to other people's opinion it's US who we should blame because we were the ones who in the end took the action despite the true calling of our soul. If we give up on life because people around do so, it's US who we should blame, because we were not strong and eager enough to reach our potential and fulfill our dreams.
It's easy to say someone else did this and that. But no. WE are the ones who do what we want and somebody else's encouragement or discouragement are just crutches for our ego.
Because to say it's your fault is easier than to say I fucked up.

My finger points to myself, yours to you.

čtvrtek 16. července 2020

This is her 26/04/2020

Her body was craving human touch, but she wanted to stay alone. Her heart was long time gone, but she felt the pain of it dying. Still. Every second was a torture but she found her little piece of happiness within. The world was black and white, but the only thing she could see were the most beautiful colours she never knew existed. The need to stand still was eating her from the inside but she couldn't stop.
Love was the essence of her being but she felt hate in every cell of her body. She could talk for hours, she loved it, but her mouth wasn't able to move, her lips did not let a single word slip out to the world. 
Her fingers were dancing passionate tango on the keyboard but she was unable to transfer her thoughts to words other people could read. She was crying all the time, but her eyes were dry and tear reservoirs were long time gone. She was smiling all the time but eyes of the others saw only her sad face. She dreamt every night since her head touched the pillow, but she couldn't remember a single scene. 
She felt the urge to paint and express herself, but inspiration disappeared. She was ready to love him but she was so scared to do so.
They cut her wings but she learnt how to fly. She knew he was wrong when he said this will never work, but she surrendered.
She was the strongest woman but her weakness pushed her down.
She was libertine but martyr.
Warrior who surrendered.
Princess but beggar.
Lover full of hatred.
Teacher who knew nothing.
Soulmate without the other half.

Sacred without soul.

Determination. Passion. Love. 05/04/2020

Everything is gona be alright!

The Earth is coming to an equilibrium. We just don't see it. We're so focused on our own struggles that we don't see the bigger picture. All is well. And so it is.
The sun is here for us, recharging our batteries, giving us the energy we are lacking and we so desperately need.
The snake bitten us. Its poison was discharged into our bodies, our minds, our entire self. But we do not loose this battle until we give up. We have to fight for what is good and what we deserve, as individuals, as society, as humanity. We need to suck the poison out from our veins. Get rid of what weaknesses us.
Determination. Passion. Love.
That is the answer.
Spread the wings again, you fallen angel. You lost a lot of power in this fight called life. Your feathers are spread around, all over the ground. As a proof of this unfair battle. But despite the unequal fight, they remind us of your victory. Victory which seemed impossible at first. 
Your strenght is hidden somewhere in that tired body of yours. It looks small. But don't be tricked. Once you find it, it will grow back to its original size. Even bigger. Beyond all of your expectations. Far far ahead of them.
And the angel will rise again.
Determined. Passionate. Loving.
And he will cruise the sky again. With a new purpose. New perspective. New dreams. New fights to fight.
He will question himself. He will not believe in his strenght, power. Yet he will do all and way more in order to fulfill those dreams, that mission of his.
All is well. And so it is.

"Climb every mountain. Reach every top. Don't give up!"

sobota 4. dubna 2020

One of the reasons

Today has been a normal yet special day. Could be considered boring but big revelations has been done too. Weird, but well life they call it.

I was on the call with over 10 other girls from that vilagge I used to call my second home. They all live in that piece of heaven on Earth which I fell in love with and which I later avoided. Because reasons... And I found out something during that video call. I felt something. So unexpected yet so familiar. The feeling of knowing. The feeling of coming back to the truth which has been somewhere super deep, hidden, but present throughout the whole time.

Intuition. Gut feeling. Certainty.

I miss them. I miss the ME which appears when I am in Pugipugi. I miss the feeling of pure life. So much! And even though I hesitated and I did not believe it would became my home again because of all what happened, I now know. I reconnected with my inner voice, intuition if you will. And I felt the sudden calmness coming from certainty. They will be again my day-to-day reality. The whole familiar place. The little universe within a little island in the middle of Mediterranean sea.

Let me explain....

Everytime I came back (after a day, weekend, weeks, months) I felt the rock lifting up from my chest and ability to breathe again. Yes, I'm talking about coming back to that end of the world in the Sierra Tramuntana. I did not speak mallorquin, I did not know every person living there, I did not fall in love with the typical spanish lifestyle. But it was my home anyway. And knowing you're home is connected to the confidence rooted in your heart. I felt a glimpse of that when returning to my parent's place, I feel a bit of that in my current flat, I felt it partialy when I stepped again to the norwegian land. But where I felt it fully was on the dry and dirty roads of Mallorca. In that little ball of cute empty little streets. In the maze of houses with green shutters and queer hotel on the hill above. 
Even when going through the dark times and considering that place being a prison, it felt good. It felt safe. Why?
Because I knew I was able to establish myslef there. I was able to create my life based on who I truly am. Without any burden from the place I grew up at. Without a need to explain my thoughts, behaviour, habits, myself. 

I was able to disconnect in order to connect.
from the world...... with myself

And there I found bad and ugly people. But most importantly I met the most amazing, thoughtful and loving people. People who always had my back, who welcomed me in their life without expectations, judgements nor condemnation. There were people who just pretended to care and who did not give a damn about me once I stepped out from the village. but those are not who i am talking about.
I am talking about those who genuinly care and who check on me even now months and years after seeing each other. I am talking about those who supported me no matter what I decided to do. I am talking about those who connected with me on much deeper level, the ones who became my guides, companions and friends.
Those who became my second family.
A bit loud, sometimes drunk, gossiping and swearing. No family is perfect but the perfection lies within the imperfections. They make us human and when we don't mind them, then we know we found our imperfect perfection in form of self-picked family.
Second family which taught me how to ask for help. Second family which helped me to accept help. without feeling bad for it. Second family which might be in a completely different life phase but which despite their age reminded me how fucking great it is to behave like a little child. Second family who creates a safe space where I am truly and fully myself. 
They helped to create a magical space. Without them those streets would be just a nice summer destination for once. Without them so many life joruneys of mine would not happen. Without them I would not become creative again. Without them I would not be able to speak up for my beliefs, my truth, myself.
They are all different. None of them is the same despite the fact they are a lot alike.
They know how to provoke me to become with new ideas, concepts and ways of  creating the best life possible. They know how to calm me down. They know how to speak with me despite the fact our mother tongues are different. 
They see my soul and I see theirs.

And I know one day I will have to leave one family in order to reunite with the other one.

P.S. They also cracked me up today when one of them told me I am like a female Morgan Freeman. This has been, genuinely, the best compliment I have ever received. Thank you Ricky!
When creating for my loved ones - I pour my heart and soul in it. And if I can do so via words, my voice and video visuals, I just let the creative Barbora play. Like a little kid - without expectations, judgements nor condemnation. just doing what feels right in that particular moment.

neděle 29. března 2020

They will for sure hate you 28/03/2020

I stumbled across a strange paradox today and it got stuck in my head. I could not stop thinking about it. I didn't want to, but I had to. So I let the thoughts flow and this is where it brought me.

We, as people, nations, humanity, and our interactions too, are based on communication. However, there is many of us who know nothing about it. And there are others who know way more than expected. And also those who know some but not much, and some more and others even a bit more or a bit less. But no matter how much you know, you can always get to the point that you misinterpret, misunderstand or miscommunicate something. It being thoughts, concepts, opinions, facts.
Language, words and its meanings are fragile complex of more than letters. And they way how we present ourselves to the world around us is unique. And we will for sure get to a situation when ourselves, but most importantly others, won't understand our message the way we intended.
Ironically that will not happen when we are trying to hurt someone. When we wish to hit others with our words, they will almost always get it right. But when we are trying to show love and compassion, our words, sentences, paragraphs and long speeches will be misunderstood. There are many ways how to expose those feelings to our beloved ones and ludicrously enough, the more genuine the feelign is, the more misinterpreted it gets.
We can be showing love and support in many different ways and for me it sometimes includes being direct and cruel. And people around me don't get it in most cases...Sadly...

I've learnt from all the amazing humans around me how the perfect communication in my eyes looks like. And I am trying to implement those aspects into my own expression. I would say it's following the positive examples proven on myself. And one which is repeatedly occuring to me are words of support.
I found out, not just in school or work, but also in friendships that when people challenge me, they help me to achieve unimaginable levels of my own skills and performance. Their call upon me to step out of my comfort zone and push further with an immense strenght proved to me how far I can get. And some of them did it untintentionally (those are called covards, they are the ones who want you to fail. The following words are not about them). But the truly valuable individuals did it on purpose. They saw my potential, they saw the bigger picture I couldn't see and they used the most productive means they had at their disposal - they dared me.
At that time, I was cursing them. I did not get why they would be so cruel and unmerciful. Looking back I admire their approach. And I thank them everyday for doing what they did. Because I truly believe that sometimes we need others to show us different perspectives on ourselves. We need others to ask the questions we don't want to ask ourselves. We need to feel a glimpse of mistrust in order to prove (in the end mostly to ourselves) that we are capable of it all. Of way more than what that one person is asking us about. They know we can do it and that is the reason why they are asking us. They want us to discover that hidden flame in our soul, that determination which we might be lacking, that drive we need in order to finally move forward.
Asking those questions and doubting our abilities also arises the theme of our own fears. I have a good friend who knows exactly how to get me to the core of my insecurities. Who can direct my focus towards my biggest fears even though I am trying to avoid them. I also have a friend who have no scruples about enumarating all of the terrifying thoughts in my head. I hate her for that. But I am also so fucking grateful for her. Because giving a certain feeling or thought a name is a first step towards overcoming the fear occuring within me. She functions as a direct voice of consciousness when I don't have the guts to be it myself.

All those people in our life who intentionally help us to reach our full potential are our biggest cheerleaders. They might not appear as them in that particular moment, but support does not always have to look like support. And just because they are asking those ugly questions and they are being thought-provoking it does not mean they want us to be defeated. It is actually the other way around. They are the ones who truly want us to succeed. Out of all the people around us. If they are doing it consciously with the intention to push us forward, we should be grateful for them.
However we often push them away and we silence them.

You can be sure that those are the ones who will always stay by your side. Not just when you're happy and riding high the wave called life. But also when you're at your lowest low. Complaning about how something sucks can be done by everyone. Those who actively search for the way out of that cesspit for you are those who you should be surrounding yourself with.

Tečka. Punto.