Today I had a huge meltdown.
In the morning I woke up to a notification from Instagram saying that you reacted to my story. I thought it is a sign of you being open to talk. Even though I was confuced because crying emoji to a story about my New Year's Eve seems weird. But I was happy to see that we might be able to speak. After the fiask on Christmas day and no news since then I felt terrible. I miss you. A lot!
And seeing you having fun and not being able to speak to me confuses me.
So I asked you about your Nochevieja. And I got a reply saying: "Hi. Sleeping at 22h." And you deleted your reaction to my story.
I also got news about my job applications, two of them looking super promising just to be rejected in both of them. I am arguying with my parents, even my brother shouted at me today and I also miss my grandpa.
I feel like whatever I do is wrong. I feel like I'm in this cycle which seems unbreakable. I wanna get out but I don't know how...
And you being gone even though you said you will never disappear makes everything harder.
I think that today I realized you're gone. Gone from my life. And you don't care anymore.
And as all of this mixed in my head I got those dark thoughts again. Those thoughts I promised myself I will never have. Never again.... I was driving and I thought how easy it would be for everybody if I disappear from this planet. If I just increase the speed and leave everything on fate,destiny... But I cannot do this to my parents. That would break them.
I need to fix this. To fix myself. I am tired of feeling like crap. I want to blossom.I want to live life and be happy!
So when I arrived home I sat in a freezing car for over an hour. Just to sob, to try to pick myself up, to survive, to breathe.... I called Penny because I felt like she is the only one who would understand me without judging and she calmed me down. However, when she mentioned that it is normal because of everything I am going through and that I have lost the love of my life, being you, I felt awful. Because it sounded like even such a dreamer and believer, who Penny always is, admits that Baru and Buru are done. Like if she saw it coming when she spoke to you few days back. Then she added that I lost you for now which helped to calm me down. I know how ridiculous it sounds but I cannot help it.
I am immensely happy and grateful for her. She truly is my guardian angel.
I miss Puigpunyent. I miss my life there. I miss the idea of me having a home in such a special place. With you. I miss you.
But I am letting you go. I need to heal and you are hurting me more and more very time I even just think about you.
We both need to live our lives. And if we are ment to be, we will. In a week, month, year, when we are 80..... And if not, then...well...
I love you!
And I always will.
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