They call it middle life crisis but for me it came now, in my twenties. What is your life purpose? Who are you? Where are you going? Is this really the way you would like to live your life?
I used to answer the question "Who are you?" pretty easily - I am a student who is also working and trying to set up my future plan, my future life, my goals. I love traveling and learning from the others by listening to their life stories. I am passionate about visuals, books and foreign languages. I don't have time to do all of this due to studying and working full time, but once I finish my university, I will be free and I will be able to dedicate my time to all the above... For sure!
And where am I right now? Not a student anymore - yaaas, huge acomplishment but I don't feel like it is something special. I studied economics, but I know absolute nothing about finances, e.g. how to fill in the tax form. I got the diploma but nothing really big happened. I haven't felt any huge change around me, within me. It is still the old me but know without the student part. I cannot say I am a student anymore. One of the biggest rocks fell of my chest when I finished school, but I kind of miss it. I miss the feeling of belonging into a certain group of people, my friends. I miss the feeling of doing something familiar, something I was good at. And yes, I can become a student again, but I don't want to. I want to enjoy the freedom.
But am I truly free? Wouldn't say so. Responsibilities and commitments are slowly but surely appearing in my life even from directions I didn't expect. I love my job and my colleagues. But I know there is more waiting for me and I cannot wait to reach the point where it will all become a part of my life, of me and I will become part of it. But I have to wait, because..... There are many legitimate reasons for a little wait, little delay against the first plan (yes, bad planner on the scene again, I know!). But I am slowly loosing my mind, my patience is way too weak for all of this. I want it all and I want it now.
I want to live life. I don't want to do the right things, I want to live. I want to experience everything I was putting away because of school, parents, lack of money, time, possibilities. I want to do it all. I want to be the one telling the life stories to others. The one who did something big, something meaningful, something nobody else around me has ever done. But instead I feel like I am the 13 year old girl who is taught by the closest ones how to deal with certain things. Like if the learning fase never ends. Which is exciting but also scary. I want to know I am doing my shit the right way, the best way for me, but there is always somebody who tells me differnetly, who knows more about life because blablabla... It is my family, my friends, you. I know you all do this in order to provide me with options. I know you don't want me to feel bad that you actually want to make me feel ecstatic. But I feel suppressed instead. I feel like I am not capable of deciding anythign in my life without a consultation with somebody, one of the closest people. And my self confidence which I tried to build super hard in last years is disappearing. I feel the need to get approval before I opt for something. Being a libra means a lot of indecisiveness which on its own brings a lot of struggle in one's life.
And knowing there has been plenty of other people who had a chance to experience one of the best and most valuable moments of your life and who are now your past make me jealous and scared at the same time. Jealous because I feel like you have done it all and I cannot participate in your discovery of the world's secrets. Jealous becaouse you already know how it feels to be in certain situation with somebody else and I know no shit about it, therefore I will make the repetitive experince a complete fail compared to the previous experience due to me not knowing what am I doing. Scared because they were the most important people in part of your life and you decided to share the most importatnt moments with them. But now they are just a memory, just a reminder of the good old days even though at a certain moment, maybe for an extensive part of your life you thought they will never loose their improtance for you and that they will slowly vanish from your daily life. And I don't want to be one of them. One of many about whom you thought as about the life-long companions but who are now just people you used to share everything with.
I opened my heart to you. Completely. I am doing it even know. And I am scared that I will lose all of it. All the special little things we have in common. All the precious moments we got to share. All the for you pointless but for me the most precious memories.
I am scared because I started to realize that what I considered as something special towards me is actually common for you. Something what made me feel special is a day-to-day part of your life. And what confuses me the most is actually the fact that those acts and attitudes of yours are what I love about you. I love how gentle, friendly and caring you are. I am proud to have a chance to see it happen on my own eyes and I am learnign from you all the time. But it also shows me that I might not be satisfied with the same demostration of your feelings to me. Satisfied is not the right word but I don't know how to describe it. I had a certain standard which is now drastically changing and I don't know how to approach it, how to tackle it. I need time. And I hate that. That is where the lack of patience reveals itself again. I want to be able to reach your level without loosing what is important for me. And that sounds like an oxymoron to me, because I have to and I want to say goodbye to few principles I now consider insignificant but I want to stay true to myself and I don't want to change too much, because that would not be me. It would be a generic human being made up to your liking and I am too proud of myself for that. I know I am not one from the crowd, but sometimes I feel like that.
Žádné komentáře:
Okomentovat