čtvrtek 6. února 2020

Confession to make 06/02/2020

I have a confession to make. To myself and to the world. I have been thinking along these lines for weeks and months, but came to the realization today, during my meditation (have been going to a guided meditation sessions for weeks now and I can see the huge impact it has on my mental state. Also - being super proud of myself for sticking to it for such a long time. It has became a higlight of the week in a way! :)).
But back to the topic.

I found what I have been looking for. I realized what is my calling in life. And to my surprise it wasn't such an AHA moment as I expected it to be. It flew to me naturally, without a famfare. Nonetheless it feels awesome. Ecstatic I would even say.
I have been always battling with the feeling of not having enough time in my life for everything I want to accomplish, everything I want to learn about, evrything I want to master. And don't get me wrong - I still sometimes feel that anxiety and my heartbeat occasionally raises up thinking about the scarcity of time. However I came to peace with the idea of doing it all across all of my lifetimes on this Earth. I believe we are not here just once, actually this is not our first time here neither. And what we have learnt in the past is in our essence and we gain from it continuously up to this date. Have you ever thought about the reason for you being so good in something since the first second you do it? Why do you thing something does not interest you, not even for a single moment. It can be anything from painting, across drugs to the extend of mathematics and IT. The answer is simple - you have already done it in the past and you either did not like it (so you don't want to waste your time with it) or you mastered it so you do not need to waste your time with it, unless you really enjoy it and it helps you to focus on growing yourself and improving in other connected areas.
So when we have the heritage from our past lifetimes, we do not have to worry about missing out on something - it will come in the next one, and now it is our goal to acquire deep skills and knowledge in certain areas instead of running around in chaos trying to do as much as possible in less than a century.
So what is the confession? you may be asking..
Well, I want to help people find out about this. I want to become a sparing partner for my friends, family, coworkers, classmates, neighbours, wide public. I want to become their sparing partner in becoming the best version of themselves without making them feel that they are behind, that their life is running through their fingers and they will never succeed. I want to motivate people to make this world a better place. By them mastering certain atributes of their personality, their skills, their prerequisites, by showing them that everybody is great in something, no matter how big or small it can appear to the world. Because if we all come together, doing different things in the highest possible vibration, on the highest possible level, we can heal ourselves, our society, our planet. We just have to let the chaos and overwhelming feelings disappear. I imagine it as a puzzle - we are all individual pieces which click into each other perfectly. However, if we try to become uniformed, good in the same as the people (puzzle pieces) around us, we will never create the masterpiece of united and purposeful picture.
I might not change this world for better, but I want to help others to make it happen. I want to become a cheerleader of those who have big things ahead of them and who might be unbelievably confused now. I do not have to be THE BEST person on this earth, mastering and knowing everything. I just want to have a chance to make others shine. Because seeing others happy is what makes me happy, from the depths of my belief, my heart, my soul.

That is my confession.
I do NOT want to become a MASTER, I want to help others to become MASTERS.

And thanks to that I now know what to do in my daily, what to focus on and what to celebrate very mornign as the sun rises.

sobota 11. ledna 2020

Setting us free 10/01/2020

It has been the longest period of time without contact. Since we know each other. Since almost a year ago when our lives have changed forever. That day slowly coming closer makes it hard. I miss you. I miss you so much.
I lost not just a person with whom I knew I wanted to spend my life but also a friend. A really good friend. Best friend in a way. That kind of a person in front of whom you don't have to pretend anything, you have no filter. You were the only person who I let in. And now you're gone.

We are connected more than in this 3D world. I feel your energy and I don't care how weird and creepy it sounds. I have no filter with you. What is on my mind and in my heart is on my tongue as well. Strong connection, true soulmates. Yep, that's us.
But I am no longer welcomed in your world and I respect that. I know that you are moving forward. You are building somethign new with somebody else. And no matter how much it hurts me, I am truly happy for you. If this is what makes you happy, then go for it.
I would always support you no matter what.

I hope that one day we will be able to speak with each other without hurting, feeling betrayed or hurt. I miss you babovkito. So much that it physically hurts. I think you know what I mean.

But I want you to be happy. So please be. Listen to your heart and do what you reall want. Not what is expected, what you should be doing. But what really sparks the light in your heart.
I always told you that sometimes we just know if somethign is right for us or not. And we do NOT have to have a reason for that. Listen to yourself, your gut and your heart. It knows everything it needs to know. You just have to listen to your emotions with no need of explanation to anybody. Just you. Be honest with yourself.

Follow your heart and your dreams. They will become reality. I am sure of that.

May you be lucky in your life and I hope you will spend it with the person about whom you think as the first one every morning when you wake up. You are a good man and you deserve everything you have been working for so hard.
I love you and I always will.

I am moving on. There are people in my life who can make me happier than you. People I can build future with. I wish it could be you but you decided to leave my life so I am changing my plans. Yes, I really suck at planning. As well as you do.

I want the life I deserve. I want to be with the person who wants to be a part of my future. Person who is stable and who knows what he wants. And unfortunately that is not you. It is somebody else. Someone who will grow by my side and who will have a chance to see my growth.
It has bee a fucking painfull process. These months kicked my ass, everything what happened pushed me down. So deep into the shit, that I would never expect that I can get out of it. But I am getting out of it. And I am way stronger, wiser and way more passionate than you knew me.
You would be proud of who I became.
And I am proud of myself.

Maybe we will have a chance to become power couple again in a different lifetime. We will build our own universe and we will show it to Bruno. (Yes, I officially love the name.)

I love you.


Today I had a huge meltdown.
In the morning I woke up to a notification from Instagram saying that you reacted to my story. I thought it is a sign of you being open to talk. Even though I was confuced because crying emoji to a story about my New Year's Eve seems weird. But I was happy to see that we might be able to speak. After the fiask on Christmas day and no news since then I felt terrible. I miss you. A lot!
And seeing you having fun and not being able to speak to me confuses me.
So I asked you about your Nochevieja. And I got a reply saying: "Hi. Sleeping at 22h." And you deleted your reaction to my story.

I also got news about my job applications, two of them looking super promising just to be rejected  in both of them. I am arguying with my parents, even my brother shouted at me today and I also miss my grandpa.
I feel like whatever I do is wrong. I feel like I'm in this cycle which seems unbreakable. I wanna get out but I don't know how...
And you being gone even though you said you will never disappear makes everything harder.

I think that today I realized you're gone. Gone from my life. And you don't care anymore.

And as all of this mixed in my head I got those dark thoughts again. Those thoughts I promised myself I will never have. Never again.... I was driving and I thought how easy it would be for everybody if I disappear from this planet. If I just increase the speed and leave everything on fate,destiny... But I cannot do this to my parents. That would break them.

I need to fix this. To fix myself. I am tired of feeling like crap. I want to blossom.I want to live life and be happy!

So when I arrived home I sat in a freezing car for over an hour. Just to sob, to try to pick myself up, to survive, to breathe.... I called Penny because I felt like she is the only one who would understand me without judging and she calmed me down. However, when she mentioned that it is normal because of everything I am going through and that I have lost the love of my life, being you, I felt awful. Because it sounded like even such a dreamer and believer, who Penny always is, admits that Baru and Buru are done. Like if she saw it coming when she spoke to you few days back. Then she added that I lost you for now which helped to calm me down. I know how ridiculous it sounds but I cannot help it.
I am immensely happy and grateful for her. She truly is my guardian angel.

I miss Puigpunyent. I miss my life there. I miss the idea of me having a home in such a special place. With you. I miss you.
But I am letting you go. I need to heal and you are hurting me more and more very time I even just think about you.
We both need to live our lives. And if we are ment to be, we will. In a week, month, year, when we are 80..... And if not, then...well...

I love you!

And I always will.

čtvrtek 12. prosince 2019

Who am I? 27/3/2019

They call it middle life crisis but for me it came now, in my twenties. What is your life purpose? Who are you? Where are you going? Is this really the way you would like to live your life? 
I used to answer the question "Who are you?" pretty easily - I am a student who is also working and trying to set up my future plan, my future life, my goals. I love traveling and learning from the others by listening to their life stories. I am passionate about visuals, books and foreign languages. I don't have time to do all of this due to studying and working full time, but once I finish my university, I will be free and I will be able to dedicate my time to all the above... For sure!

And where am I right now? Not a student anymore - yaaas, huge acomplishment but I don't feel like it is something special. I studied economics, but I know absolute nothing about finances, e.g. how to fill in the tax form. I got the diploma but nothing really big happened. I haven't felt any huge change around me, within me. It is still the old me but know without the student part. I cannot say I am a student anymore. One of the biggest rocks fell of my chest when I finished school, but I kind of miss it. I miss the feeling of belonging into a certain group of people, my friends. I miss the feeling of doing something familiar, something I was good at. And yes, I can become a student again, but I don't want to. I want to enjoy the freedom.
But am I truly free? Wouldn't say so. Responsibilities and commitments are slowly but surely appearing in my life even from directions I didn't expect. I love my job and my colleagues. But I know there is more waiting for me and I cannot wait to reach the point where it will all become a part of my life, of me and I will become part of it. But I have to wait, because..... There are many legitimate reasons for a little wait, little delay against the first plan (yes, bad planner on the scene again, I know!). But I am slowly loosing my mind, my patience is way too weak for all of this. I want it all and I want it now.

I want to live life. I don't want to do the right things, I want to live. I want to experience everything I was putting away because of school, parents, lack of money, time, possibilities. I want to do it all. I want to be the one telling the life stories to others. The one who did something big, something meaningful, something nobody else around me has ever done. But instead I feel like I am the 13 year old girl who is taught by the closest ones how to deal with certain things. Like if the learning fase never ends. Which is exciting but also scary. I want to know I am doing my shit the right way, the best way for me, but there is always somebody who tells me differnetly, who knows more about life because blablabla... It is my family, my friends, you. I know you all do this in order to provide me with options. I know you don't want me to feel bad that you actually want to make me feel ecstatic. But I feel suppressed instead. I feel like I am not capable of deciding anythign in my life without a consultation with somebody, one of the closest people. And my self confidence which I tried to build super hard in last years is disappearing. I feel the need to get approval before I opt for something. Being a libra means a lot of indecisiveness which on its own brings a lot of struggle in one's life.

And knowing there has been plenty of other people who had a chance to experience one of the best and most valuable moments of your life and who are now your past make me jealous and scared at the same time. Jealous because I feel like you have done it all and I cannot participate in your discovery of the world's secrets. Jealous becaouse you already know how it feels to be in certain situation with somebody else and I know no shit about it, therefore I will make the repetitive experince a complete fail compared to the previous experience due to me not knowing what am I doing. Scared because they were the most important people in part of your life and you decided to share the most importatnt moments with them. But now they are just a memory, just a reminder of the good old days even though at a certain moment, maybe for an extensive part of your life you thought they will never loose their improtance for you and that they will slowly vanish from your daily life. And I don't want to be one of them. One of many about whom you thought as about the life-long companions but who are now just people you used to share everything with.

I opened my heart to you. Completely. I am doing it even know. And I am scared that I will lose all of it. All the special little things we have  in common. All the precious moments we got to share. All the for you pointless but for me the most precious memories.

I am scared because I started to realize that what I considered as something special towards me is actually common for you. Something what made me feel special is a  day-to-day part of your life. And what confuses me the most is actually the fact that those acts and attitudes of yours are what I love about you. I love how gentle, friendly and caring you are. I am proud to have a chance to see it happen on my own eyes and I am learnign from you all the time. But it also shows me that I might not be satisfied with the same demostration of your feelings to me. Satisfied is not the right word but I don't know how to describe it. I had a certain standard which is now drastically changing and I don't know how to approach it, how to tackle it. I need time. And I hate that. That is where the lack of patience reveals itself again. I want to be able to reach your level without loosing what is important for me. And that sounds like an oxymoron to me, because I have to and I want to say goodbye to few principles I now consider insignificant but I want to stay true to myself and I don't want to change too much, because that would not be me. It would be a generic human being made up to your liking and I am too proud of myself for that. I know I am not one from the crowd, but sometimes I feel like that.


I am DONE with you!!!!
Today we should have called. I took a day off from work, I didn't sign up for any shift just ot be able to speak to you. And what happened - surprise, surprise. You were in a bad mood to call and you didn't even bother to charge your fucking phone. Again!!
You scratched our call because you were not feeling 100% happy and it would not be a nice conversation - your words. I am so fed up!! This is typicall you. Everything always about you. Everybody else than me. And maybe then, as a last option - me. You are saying how much you still love me and miss me.

You even deleted the last bit of me from your days - Bohyně. And I know this is silly but let me tell you something - every single one of your exes has the priviledge to be part of your vivid past by photos and writing - on your blog, instagram, facebook. Tha places where you present yourself and your thoughts. And do you know what? I am not there. I don't and I didn't exist in your life. Ever. Fully. Partialy. I have never been there.
You never considered me as that. And now I know there is no way back. You just showed me today how you really are. You cannot be bothered with me. You are saying how much you love me and how hard it is for you to function without me.
But you are a fucking liar. Coward who never took me or us seriously. You might have tried to convince both of us, but you never fully went for us.
And I am so angry to myself that I let you do this to me. To hurt me so much. To break my heart over and over. I was willing to change, to give up on my beliefs, my dreams and my standards. You even ruined my health and I never said anything. I never shouted at you, I never fully argued with you. I let you abuse me with your toxicity, your vague words, accusations about my thoughts and actions. You always played the role of victim, the poor guy who is not understood by others. And you enjoyed being pampered by me. But when I needed you the most when my life was falling apart you quit. You did not even bother to try something. You knew for over a month that something was wrong but you never told me and you didn't even fly to me trying to fix it even though you promised that.
I didn't trust you and now I see I was right.
And I know one thing. I could have done things better, maybe it would help for a moment. But this is for sure your fault. You tried to put it on me. On my jealousy. But no!

This is your fault. You have to take responsibility for your decision. You tried to put it on me and I actually accepted it. But I shouldn't.
It was a wrong decision.

You did a mistake.
You pushed me to the edge. And I will never forget about that. I am forgiving you, because of myself - I don't want to hold those bad emotions. But I will not forget it all, as you did already.

It was your mistake.
Your WRONG decision.

...but I still love you.