sobota 4. dubna 2020

One of the reasons

Today has been a normal yet special day. Could be considered boring but big revelations has been done too. Weird, but well life they call it.

I was on the call with over 10 other girls from that vilagge I used to call my second home. They all live in that piece of heaven on Earth which I fell in love with and which I later avoided. Because reasons... And I found out something during that video call. I felt something. So unexpected yet so familiar. The feeling of knowing. The feeling of coming back to the truth which has been somewhere super deep, hidden, but present throughout the whole time.

Intuition. Gut feeling. Certainty.

I miss them. I miss the ME which appears when I am in Pugipugi. I miss the feeling of pure life. So much! And even though I hesitated and I did not believe it would became my home again because of all what happened, I now know. I reconnected with my inner voice, intuition if you will. And I felt the sudden calmness coming from certainty. They will be again my day-to-day reality. The whole familiar place. The little universe within a little island in the middle of Mediterranean sea.

Let me explain....

Everytime I came back (after a day, weekend, weeks, months) I felt the rock lifting up from my chest and ability to breathe again. Yes, I'm talking about coming back to that end of the world in the Sierra Tramuntana. I did not speak mallorquin, I did not know every person living there, I did not fall in love with the typical spanish lifestyle. But it was my home anyway. And knowing you're home is connected to the confidence rooted in your heart. I felt a glimpse of that when returning to my parent's place, I feel a bit of that in my current flat, I felt it partialy when I stepped again to the norwegian land. But where I felt it fully was on the dry and dirty roads of Mallorca. In that little ball of cute empty little streets. In the maze of houses with green shutters and queer hotel on the hill above. 
Even when going through the dark times and considering that place being a prison, it felt good. It felt safe. Why?
Because I knew I was able to establish myslef there. I was able to create my life based on who I truly am. Without any burden from the place I grew up at. Without a need to explain my thoughts, behaviour, habits, myself. 

I was able to disconnect in order to connect.
from the world...... with myself

And there I found bad and ugly people. But most importantly I met the most amazing, thoughtful and loving people. People who always had my back, who welcomed me in their life without expectations, judgements nor condemnation. There were people who just pretended to care and who did not give a damn about me once I stepped out from the village. but those are not who i am talking about.
I am talking about those who genuinly care and who check on me even now months and years after seeing each other. I am talking about those who supported me no matter what I decided to do. I am talking about those who connected with me on much deeper level, the ones who became my guides, companions and friends.
Those who became my second family.
A bit loud, sometimes drunk, gossiping and swearing. No family is perfect but the perfection lies within the imperfections. They make us human and when we don't mind them, then we know we found our imperfect perfection in form of self-picked family.
Second family which taught me how to ask for help. Second family which helped me to accept help. without feeling bad for it. Second family which might be in a completely different life phase but which despite their age reminded me how fucking great it is to behave like a little child. Second family who creates a safe space where I am truly and fully myself. 
They helped to create a magical space. Without them those streets would be just a nice summer destination for once. Without them so many life joruneys of mine would not happen. Without them I would not become creative again. Without them I would not be able to speak up for my beliefs, my truth, myself.
They are all different. None of them is the same despite the fact they are a lot alike.
They know how to provoke me to become with new ideas, concepts and ways of  creating the best life possible. They know how to calm me down. They know how to speak with me despite the fact our mother tongues are different. 
They see my soul and I see theirs.

And I know one day I will have to leave one family in order to reunite with the other one.

P.S. They also cracked me up today when one of them told me I am like a female Morgan Freeman. This has been, genuinely, the best compliment I have ever received. Thank you Ricky!
When creating for my loved ones - I pour my heart and soul in it. And if I can do so via words, my voice and video visuals, I just let the creative Barbora play. Like a little kid - without expectations, judgements nor condemnation. just doing what feels right in that particular moment.

neděle 29. března 2020

They will for sure hate you 28/03/2020

I stumbled across a strange paradox today and it got stuck in my head. I could not stop thinking about it. I didn't want to, but I had to. So I let the thoughts flow and this is where it brought me.

We, as people, nations, humanity, and our interactions too, are based on communication. However, there is many of us who know nothing about it. And there are others who know way more than expected. And also those who know some but not much, and some more and others even a bit more or a bit less. But no matter how much you know, you can always get to the point that you misinterpret, misunderstand or miscommunicate something. It being thoughts, concepts, opinions, facts.
Language, words and its meanings are fragile complex of more than letters. And they way how we present ourselves to the world around us is unique. And we will for sure get to a situation when ourselves, but most importantly others, won't understand our message the way we intended.
Ironically that will not happen when we are trying to hurt someone. When we wish to hit others with our words, they will almost always get it right. But when we are trying to show love and compassion, our words, sentences, paragraphs and long speeches will be misunderstood. There are many ways how to expose those feelings to our beloved ones and ludicrously enough, the more genuine the feelign is, the more misinterpreted it gets.
We can be showing love and support in many different ways and for me it sometimes includes being direct and cruel. And people around me don't get it in most cases...Sadly...

I've learnt from all the amazing humans around me how the perfect communication in my eyes looks like. And I am trying to implement those aspects into my own expression. I would say it's following the positive examples proven on myself. And one which is repeatedly occuring to me are words of support.
I found out, not just in school or work, but also in friendships that when people challenge me, they help me to achieve unimaginable levels of my own skills and performance. Their call upon me to step out of my comfort zone and push further with an immense strenght proved to me how far I can get. And some of them did it untintentionally (those are called covards, they are the ones who want you to fail. The following words are not about them). But the truly valuable individuals did it on purpose. They saw my potential, they saw the bigger picture I couldn't see and they used the most productive means they had at their disposal - they dared me.
At that time, I was cursing them. I did not get why they would be so cruel and unmerciful. Looking back I admire their approach. And I thank them everyday for doing what they did. Because I truly believe that sometimes we need others to show us different perspectives on ourselves. We need others to ask the questions we don't want to ask ourselves. We need to feel a glimpse of mistrust in order to prove (in the end mostly to ourselves) that we are capable of it all. Of way more than what that one person is asking us about. They know we can do it and that is the reason why they are asking us. They want us to discover that hidden flame in our soul, that determination which we might be lacking, that drive we need in order to finally move forward.
Asking those questions and doubting our abilities also arises the theme of our own fears. I have a good friend who knows exactly how to get me to the core of my insecurities. Who can direct my focus towards my biggest fears even though I am trying to avoid them. I also have a friend who have no scruples about enumarating all of the terrifying thoughts in my head. I hate her for that. But I am also so fucking grateful for her. Because giving a certain feeling or thought a name is a first step towards overcoming the fear occuring within me. She functions as a direct voice of consciousness when I don't have the guts to be it myself.

All those people in our life who intentionally help us to reach our full potential are our biggest cheerleaders. They might not appear as them in that particular moment, but support does not always have to look like support. And just because they are asking those ugly questions and they are being thought-provoking it does not mean they want us to be defeated. It is actually the other way around. They are the ones who truly want us to succeed. Out of all the people around us. If they are doing it consciously with the intention to push us forward, we should be grateful for them.
However we often push them away and we silence them.

You can be sure that those are the ones who will always stay by your side. Not just when you're happy and riding high the wave called life. But also when you're at your lowest low. Complaning about how something sucks can be done by everyone. Those who actively search for the way out of that cesspit for you are those who you should be surrounding yourself with.

Tečka. Punto.

neděle 22. března 2020

Loneliness, solitude 22/03/2020

Today I experienced something completely new yet not so unfamiliar. Having a chance to reflect on one of the most important topic of our lives was hard, but crucial. Coming to a realization of these measures, reaching this AHA moment helped me to set a plan for my future. Beeing able to dive deep and ask those questions about the future life direction should be a standard for all of us. We all need to be able to let our inner child to speak. We came to this world knowing all of the truths and secrets of the universe. However, throughout our days on this gorgeous planet, we forgot most of them due to layers and layers of opinions, sayings, beliefs and declarations of other people. It is time for us to re-connect with the ultimate truth, the stream of universal wisdom which lays within us. Let our ego loose its power over us. And in order to do that we have to step away from our society, our families, our friends, our lovers our own fears and we need to dive deep, right into the well our soul is....

Time alone is a punishment for kids. That is where it all starts.
As people become elderly, being alone is again punishment. We need to learn how to be by ourselves so it never becomes a torture again, but a retreat instead. What we learn as kids is transmitted to our perspective throughout the whole life. And changing this perspective is really hard. It is possible but I would much rather see people celebrating time spent alone since their childhood that suffering when trying to switch to a positive attitude when they are far in their adulthood.
I don't want this lifestyle of mine right now to become my future. I see it as a transition point in my life which needs to happen in order to supply me with all the resources and knowledge I need in the higher purpose my life has. It is a temporary place which sometimes feels like a sanctuary and sometimes like a prison. But every coin has 2 sides and we have to remind ourselves about that constantly.
Nothing will bring us only happiness neither sadness. They are both intertwined and they cannot exist without each other. Learning how to fully enjoy and feel the happy moments of our lives is our main task. As well as learning how to cope and manage those darker aspects. Acknowledging both and admiring them is the cure for ourselves, for the world, for the universe.
It all starts and ends with us. Nobody else but ourselves.

May you be able to sit down with your own fears and doubts. May you be willing to have that difficult and petrifying conversation with the demons in your head. Because only when we come in peace with our darkest parts, we are able to shine.
Those aspects of our entity will never disappear, we cannot push them away. However, we can simply acknowledge them and let them know that we are not scared. Even though your biggest enemy lies in your own head, you can come to terms with him. And who knows, maybe as time goes he will become one of your closest friends. The one who always comments on everything and is rather pesimistic, yet we need those voices if we want to stay balanced and reminded how much better it feels to focus on the positives.

And don't forget to look for the signs from universe. These are mine from today's Solo together practice ;)

čtvrtek 6. února 2020

Confession to make 06/02/2020

I have a confession to make. To myself and to the world. I have been thinking along these lines for weeks and months, but came to the realization today, during my meditation (have been going to a guided meditation sessions for weeks now and I can see the huge impact it has on my mental state. Also - being super proud of myself for sticking to it for such a long time. It has became a higlight of the week in a way! :)).
But back to the topic.

I found what I have been looking for. I realized what is my calling in life. And to my surprise it wasn't such an AHA moment as I expected it to be. It flew to me naturally, without a famfare. Nonetheless it feels awesome. Ecstatic I would even say.
I have been always battling with the feeling of not having enough time in my life for everything I want to accomplish, everything I want to learn about, everything I want to master. And don't get me wrong - I still sometimes feel that anxiety and my heartbeat occasionally raises up thinking about the scarcity of time. However I came to peace with the idea of doing it all across all of my lifetimes on this Earth. I believe we are not here just once, actually this is not our first time here neither. And what we have learnt in the past is in our essence and we gain from it continuously up to this date. Have you ever thought about the reason for you being so good in something since the first second you do it? Why do you thing something does not interest you, not even for a single moment. It can be anything from painting, across drugs to the extend of mathematics and IT. The answer is simple - you have already done it in the past and you either did not like it (so you don't want to waste your time with it) or you mastered it so you do not need to waste your time with it, unless you really enjoy it and it helps you to focus on growing yourself and improving in other connected areas.
So when we have the heritage from our past lifetimes, we do not have to worry about missing out on something - it will come in the next one, and now it is our goal to acquire deep skills and knowledge in certain areas instead of running around in chaos trying to do as much as possible in less than a century.
So what is the confession? you may be asking..
Well, I want to help people find out about this. I want to become a sparing partner for my friends, family, coworkers, classmates, neighbours, wide public. I want to become their sparing partner in becoming the best version of themselves without making them feel that they are behind, that their life is running through their fingers and they will never succeed. I want to motivate people to make this world a better place. By them mastering certain atributes of their personality, their skills, their prerequisites, by showing them that everybody is great in something, no matter how big or small it can appear to the world. Because if we all come together, doing different things in the highest possible vibration, on the highest possible level, we can heal ourselves, our society, our planet. We just have to let the chaos and overwhelming feelings disappear. I imagine it as a puzzle - we are all individual pieces which click into each other perfectly. However, if we try to become uniformed, good in the same as the people (puzzle pieces) around us, we will never create the masterpiece of united and purposeful picture.
I might not change this world for better, but I want to help others to make it happen. I want to become a cheerleader of those who have big things ahead of them and who might be unbelievably confused now. I do not have to be THE BEST person on this earth, mastering and knowing everything. I just want to have a chance to make others shine. Because seeing others happy is what makes me happy, from the depths of my belief, my heart, my soul.

That is my confession.
I do NOT want to become a MASTER, I want to help others to become MASTERS.

And thanks to that I now know what to do in my daily, what to focus on and what to celebrate every morning as the sun rises.

sobota 11. ledna 2020

Setting us free 10/01/2020

It has been the longest period of time without contact. Since we know each other. Since almost a year ago when our lives have changed forever. That day slowly coming closer makes it hard. I miss you. I miss you so much.
I lost not just a person with whom I knew I wanted to spend my life but also a friend. A really good friend. Best friend in a way. That kind of a person in front of whom you don't have to pretend anything, you have no filter. You were the only person who I let in. And now you're gone.

We are connected more than in this 3D world. I feel your energy and I don't care how weird and creepy it sounds. I have no filter with you. What is on my mind and in my heart is on my tongue as well. Strong connection, true soulmates. Yep, that's us.
But I am no longer welcomed in your world and I respect that. I know that you are moving forward. You are building somethign new with somebody else. And no matter how much it hurts me, I am truly happy for you. If this is what makes you happy, then go for it.
I would always support you no matter what.

I hope that one day we will be able to speak with each other without hurting, feeling betrayed or hurt. I miss you babovkito. So much that it physically hurts. I think you know what I mean.

But I want you to be happy. So please be. Listen to your heart and do what you reall want. Not what is expected, what you should be doing. But what really sparks the light in your heart.
I always told you that sometimes we just know if somethign is right for us or not. And we do NOT have to have a reason for that. Listen to yourself, your gut and your heart. It knows everything it needs to know. You just have to listen to your emotions with no need of explanation to anybody. Just you. Be honest with yourself.

Follow your heart and your dreams. They will become reality. I am sure of that.

May you be lucky in your life and I hope you will spend it with the person about whom you think as the first one every morning when you wake up. You are a good man and you deserve everything you have been working for so hard.
I love you and I always will.

I am moving on. There are people in my life who can make me happier than you. People I can build future with. I wish it could be you but you decided to leave my life so I am changing my plans. Yes, I really suck at planning. As well as you do.

I want the life I deserve. I want to be with the person who wants to be a part of my future. Person who is stable and who knows what he wants. And unfortunately that is not you. It is somebody else. Someone who will grow by my side and who will have a chance to see my growth.
It has bee a fucking painfull process. These months kicked my ass, everything what happened pushed me down. So deep into the shit, that I would never expect that I can get out of it. But I am getting out of it. And I am way stronger, wiser and way more passionate than you knew me.
You would be proud of who I became.
And I am proud of myself.

Maybe we will have a chance to become power couple again in a different lifetime. We will build our own universe and we will show it to Bruno. (Yes, I officially love the name.)

I love you.