tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56730019338766374772024-03-13T06:13:14.640+01:00letterBworldletterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.comBlogger169125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-75134569145307243392020-07-22T18:23:00.001+02:002020-12-16T22:20:53.854+01:00Blame 26/04/2020 <span face="trebuchet ms, sans-serif">Blame</span><br />
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<span face="trebuchet ms, sans-serif">In the end of the day we are the only ones who we can blame from everything in our life. The good and the bad.</span><br />
<span face="trebuchet ms, sans-serif">Yes, there are external elements, yes we cannot control what happens out there in the world and how will certain people behave. But we control what and who is in our life and how we interact and react to it, them.</span><br />
<span face="trebuchet ms, sans-serif">If we are giving the responsibility to someone else's hands, it's US who we should blame when it does not turn out great. Because we gave them the power over our decisions. If we listen to other people's opinion it's US who we should blame because we were the ones who in the end took the action despite the true calling of our soul. If we give up on life because people around do so, it's US who we should blame, because we were not strong and eager enough to reach our potential and fulfill our dreams.</span><br />
<span face="trebuchet ms, sans-serif">It's easy to say someone else did this and that. But no. WE are the ones who do what we want and somebody else's encouragement or discouragement are just crutches for our ego.</span><br />
<span face="trebuchet ms, sans-serif">Because to say it's your fault is easier than to say I fucked up.</span><br />
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<span face="trebuchet ms, sans-serif">My finger points to myself, yours to you.</span><br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-3581437639037946352020-07-16T16:03:00.001+02:002020-07-17T07:38:32.483+02:00This is her 26/04/2020<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Her body was craving human touch, but she wanted to stay alone. Her heart was long time gone, but she felt the pain of it dying. Still. Every second was a torture but she found her little piece of happiness within. The world was black and white, but the only thing she could see were the most beautiful colours she never knew existed. The need to stand still was eating her from the inside but she couldn't stop.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Love was the essence of her being but she felt hate in every cell of her body. She could talk for hours, she loved it, but her mouth wasn't able to move, her lips did not let a single word slip out to the world. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Her fingers were dancing passionate tango on the keyboard but she was unable to transfer her thoughts to words other people could read. She was crying all the time, but her eyes were dry and tear reservoirs were long time gone. She was smiling all the time but eyes of the others saw only her sad face. She dreamt every night since her head touched the pillow, but she couldn't remember a single scene. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">She felt the urge to paint and express herself, but inspiration disappeared. She was ready to love him but she was so scared to do so.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They cut her wings but she learnt how to fly. She knew he was wrong when he said this will never work, but she surrendered.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">She was the strongest woman but her weakness pushed her down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">She was libertine but martyr.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Warrior who surrendered.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Princess but beggar.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Lover full of hatred.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Teacher who knew nothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Soulmate without the other half.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Sacred without soul.</span>letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-5448402503909680842020-07-16T15:40:00.002+02:002020-07-16T15:51:04.093+02:00Determination. Passion. Love. 05/04/2020<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Everything is gona be alright!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">The Earth is coming to an equilibrium. We just don't see it. We're so focused on our own struggles that we don't see the bigger picture. All is well. And so it is.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">The sun is here for us, recharging our batteries, giving us the energy we are lacking and we so desperately need.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">The snake bitten us. Its poison was discharged into our bodies, our minds, our entire self. But we do not loose this battle until we give up. We have to fight for what is good and what we deserve, as individuals, as society, as humanity. We need to suck the poison out from our veins. Get rid of what weaknesses us.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Determination. Passion. Love.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">That is the answer.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Spread the wings again, you fallen angel. You lost a lot of power in this fight called life. Your feathers are spread around, all over the ground. As a proof of this unfair battle. But despite the unequal fight, they remind us of your victory. Victory which seemed impossible at first. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Your strenght is hidden somewhere in that tired body of yours. It looks small. But don't be tricked. Once you find it, it will grow back to its original size. Even bigger. Beyond all of your expectations. Far far ahead of them.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">And the angel will rise again.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Determined. Passionate. Loving.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">And he will cruise the sky again. With a new purpose. New perspective. New dreams. New fights to fight.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">He will question himself. He will not believe in his strenght, power. Yet he will do all and way more in order to fulfill those dreams, that mission of his.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">All is well. And so it is.</span></span><br />
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<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">"Climb every mountain. Reach every top. Don't give up!"</span></span></h3>
letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-90953395921499257062020-04-04T00:20:00.003+02:002020-04-04T00:32:50.112+02:00One of the reasons<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Today has been a normal yet special day. Could be considered boring but big revelations has been done too. Weird, but well life they call it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I was on the call with over 10 other girls from that vilagge I used to call my second home. They all live in that piece of heaven on Earth which I fell in love with and which I later avoided. Because reasons... And I found out something during that video call. I felt something. So unexpected yet so familiar. The feeling of knowing. The feeling of coming back to the truth which has been somewhere super deep, hidden, but present throughout the whole time.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Intuition. Gut feeling. Certainty.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I miss them. I miss the ME which appears when I am in Pugipugi. I miss the feeling of pure life. So much! And even though I hesitated and I did not believe it would became my home again because of all what happened, I now know. I reconnected with my inner voice, intuition if you will. And I felt the sudden calmness coming from certainty. They will be again my day-to-day reality. The whole familiar place. The little universe within a little island in the middle of Mediterranean sea.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Let me explain....</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Everytime I came back (after a day, weekend, weeks, months) I felt the rock lifting up from my chest and ability to breathe again. Yes, I'm talking about coming back to that end of the world in the Sierra Tramuntana. I did not speak mallorquin, I did not know every person living there, I did not fall in love with the typical spanish lifestyle. But it was my home anyway. And knowing you're home is connected to the confidence rooted in your heart. I felt a glimpse of that when returning to my parent's place, I feel a bit of that in my current flat, I felt it partialy when I stepped again to the norwegian land. But where I felt it fully was on the dry and dirty roads of Mallorca. In that little ball of cute empty little streets. In the maze of houses with green shutters and queer hotel on the hill above. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Even when going through the dark times and considering that place being a prison, it felt good. It felt safe. Why?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Because I knew I was able to establish myslef there. I was able to create my life based on who I truly am. Without any burden from the place I grew up at. Without a need to explain my thoughts, behaviour, habits, myself. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I was able to disconnect in order to connect.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">from the world...... with myself</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">And there I found bad and ugly people. But most importantly I met the most amazing, thoughtful and loving people. People who always had my back, who welcomed me in their life without expectations, judgements nor </span>condemnation. There were people who just pretended to care and who did not give a damn about me once I stepped out from the village. but those are not who i am talking about.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I am talking about those who genuinly care and who check on me even now months and years after seeing each other. I am talking about those who supported me no matter what I decided to do. I am talking about those who connected with me on much deeper level, the ones who became my guides, companions and friends.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Those who became my second family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A bit loud, sometimes drunk, gossiping and swearing. No family is perfect but the perfection lies within the imperfections. They make us human and when we don't mind them, then we know we found our imperfect perfection in form of self-picked family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Second family which taught me how to ask for help. Second family which helped me to accept help. without feeling bad for it. Second family which might be in a completely different life phase but which despite their age reminded me how fucking great it is to behave like a little child. Second family who creates a safe space where I am truly and fully myself. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They helped to create a magical space. Without them those streets would be just a nice summer destination for once. Without them so many life joruneys of mine would not happen. Without them I would not become creative again. Without them I would not be able to speak up for my beliefs, my truth, myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They are all different. None of them is the same despite the fact they are a lot alike.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They know how to provoke me to become with new ideas, concepts and ways of creating the best life possible. They know how to calm me down. They know how to speak with me</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> despite the fact our mother tongues are different. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They see my soul and I see theirs.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And I know one day I will have to leave one family in order to reunite with the other one.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Soon.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">P.S. They also cracked me up today when one of them told me I am like a female Morgan Freeman. This has been, genuinely, the best compliment I have ever received. Thank you Ricky!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When creating for my loved ones - I pour my heart and soul in it. And if I can do so via words, my voice and video visuals, I just let the creative Barbora play. Like a little kid - without </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">expectations, judgements nor </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">condemnation. just doing what feels right in that particular moment.</span><br />
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letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-32567467807688183092020-03-29T00:55:00.002+01:002020-03-29T01:33:46.218+01:00They will for sure hate you 28/03/2020<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I stumbled across a strange paradox today and it got stuck in my head. I could not stop thinking about it. I didn't want to, but I had to. So I let the thoughts flow and this is where it brought me.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">We, as people, <b>nations, humanity,</b> and our interactions too, are based on communication. However, there is many of us who know nothing about it. And there are others who know way more than expected. And also those who know some but not much, and some more and others even a bit more or a bit less. But no matter how much you know, you can always get to the point that you misinterpret, misunderstand or miscommunicate something. It being thoughts, <b>concepts, opinions</b>, facts.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Language, words and its meanings are fragile complex of more than letters. And they way how we present ourselves to the world around us is unique. And we will for sure get to a situation when ourselves, but most importantly others, won't understand our message the way we intended.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Ironically that will not happen when we are trying to hurt someone. When we wish to hit others with our words, they will almost always get it right. But when we are trying to show <b>love and compassion</b>, our words, sentences, paragraphs and long speeches will be misunderstood. There are many ways how to expose those feelings to our beloved ones and ludicrously enough, the more genuine the feelign is, the more misinterpreted it gets.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">We can be showing love and support in many different ways and for me it sometimes includes being direct and cruel. And people around me don't get it in most cases...Sadly...</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I've learnt from all the amazing humans around me how the <b>perfect communication</b> in my eyes looks like. And I am trying to implement those aspects into my own expression. I would say it's following the positive examples proven on myself. And one which is repeatedly occuring to me are words of support.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I found out, not just in school or work, but also in friendships that when people challenge me, they help me to achieve <b>unimaginable levels of my own skills</b> and performance. Their call upon me to step out of my comfort zone and push further with an immense strenght proved to me how far I can get. And some of them did it untintentionally (those are called covards, they are the ones who want you to fail. The following words are not about them). But the truly valuable individuals <b>did it on purpose</b>. They saw my potential, they saw the bigger picture I couldn't see and they used the most productive means they had at their disposal - they dared me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">At that time, <b>I was cursing them</b>. I did not get why they would be so cruel and unmerciful. Looking back I admire their approach. And I thank them everyday for doing what they did. Because I truly believe that sometimes we need others to show us different perspectives on ourselves. We need others to ask the questions we don't want to ask ourselves. We need to feel a <b>glimpse of mistrust</b> in order to prove (in the end mostly to ourselves) that we are capable of it all. Of way more than what that one person is asking us about. They know we can do it and that is the reason why they are asking us. They want us to discover that <b>hidden flame in our soul</b>, that determination which we might be lacking, that drive we need in order to finally move forward.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Asking those questions and doubting our abilities also arises the theme of our own fears. I have a good friend who knows exactly how to get me to the core of my insecurities. Who can direct my focus towards <b>my biggest fears</b> even though I am trying to avoid them. I also have a friend who have no scruples about enumarating all of the <b>terrifying thoughts in my head</b>. I hate her for that. But I am also so fucking grateful for her. Because giving a certain feeling or thought a name is a first step towards overcoming the fear occuring within me. She functions as a direct voice of consciousness <b>when I don't have the guts</b> to be it myself.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">All those people in our life who intentionally help us to reach our full potential are our biggest <b>cheerleaders</b>. They might not appear as them in that particular moment, but support does not always have to look like support. And just because they are asking those <b>ugly questions</b> and they are being thought-provoking it does not mean they want us to be defeated. It is actually the other way around. They are the ones who truly want us to succeed. Out of all the people around us. If they are doing it consciously with the intention to push us forward, we should be grateful for them.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">However we often push them away and we silence them.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">You can be sure that those are the ones who will always stay by your side. Not just when you're happy and riding high the wave called life. But also when you're at your <b>lowest low.</b> Complaning about how something sucks can be done by everyone. Those who <b>actively search </b>for the way out of that cesspit for you are those who you should be surrounding yourself with.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Tečka. Punto.</span></span>letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-65862319765572688492020-03-22T18:22:00.000+01:002020-03-22T21:03:06.270+01:00Loneliness, solitude 22/03/2020<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Today I experienced something completely new yet not so unfamiliar. Having a chance to reflect on one of the most important topic of our lives was hard, but crucial. Coming to a realization of these measures, reaching this AHA moment helped me to set a plan for my future. Beeing able to dive deep and ask those questions about the future life direction should be a standard for all of us. We all need to be able to let our inner child to speak. We came to this world knowing all of the truths and secrets of the universe. However, throughout our days on this gorgeous planet, we forgot most of them due to layers and layers of opinions, sayings, beliefs and declarations of other people. It is time for us to re-connect with the ultimate truth, the stream of universal wisdom which lays within us. Let our ego loose its power over us. And in order to do that we have to step away from our society, our families, our friends, our lovers our own fears and we need to dive deep, right into the well our soul is....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Time alone is a punishment for kids. That is where it all starts.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">As people become elderly, being alone is again punishment. We need to learn how to be by ourselves so it never becomes a torture again, but a retreat instead. What we learn as kids is transmitted to our perspective throughout the whole life. And changing this perspective is really hard. It is possible but I would much rather see people celebrating time spent alone since their childhood that suffering when trying to switch to a positive attitude when they are far in their adulthood.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I don't want this lifestyle of mine right now to become my future. I see it as a transition point in my life which needs to happen in order to supply me with all the resources and knowledge I need in the higher purpose my life has. It is a temporary place which sometimes feels like a sanctuary and sometimes like a prison. But every coin has 2 sides and we have to remind ourselves about that constantly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Nothing will bring us only happiness neither sadness. They are both intertwined and they cannot exist without each other. Learning how to fully enjoy and feel the happy moments of our lives is our main task. As well as learning how to cope and manage those darker aspects. Acknowledging both and admiring them is the cure for ourselves, for the world, for the universe.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><span style="background-color: transparent;">It all starts and ends with us. Nobody else but ourselves.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">May you be able to sit down with your own fears and doubts. May you be willing to have that difficult and petrifying conversation with the demons in your head. Because only when we come in peace with our darkest parts, we are able to shine.<br />Those aspects of our entity will never disappear, we cannot push them away. However, we can simply acknowledge them and let them know that we are not scared. Even though your biggest enemy lies in your own head, you can come to terms with him. And who knows, maybe as time goes he will become one of your closest friends. The one who always comments on everything and is rather pesimistic, yet we need those voices if we want to stay balanced and reminded how much better it feels to focus on the positives.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">And don't forget to look for the signs from universe. These are mine from today's Solo together practice ;)</span></span><br />
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letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-28666015206985515412020-02-06T00:24:00.002+01:002020-02-24T21:31:46.754+01:00Confession to make 06/02/2020<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I have a confession to make. To myself and to the world. I have been thinking along these lines for weeks and months, but came to the realization today, during my meditation (have been going to a guided meditation sessions for weeks now and I can see the huge impact it has on my mental state. Also - being super proud of myself for sticking to it for such a long time. It has became a higlight of the week in a way! :)).</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">But back to the topic.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I found what I have been looking for. I realized what is my calling in life. And to my surprise it wasn't such an AHA moment as I expected it to be. It flew to me naturally, without a famfare. Nonetheless it feels awesome. Ecstatic I would even say.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I have been always battling with the feeling of not having enough time in my life for everything I want to accomplish, everything I want to learn about, everything I want to master. And don't get me wrong - I still sometimes feel that anxiety and my heartbeat occasionally raises up thinking about the scarcity of time. However I came to peace with the idea of doing it all across all of my lifetimes on this Earth. I believe we are not here just once, actually this is not our first time here neither. And what we have learnt in the past is in our essence and we gain from it continuously up to this date. Have you ever thought about the reason for you being so good in something since the first second you do it? Why do you thing something does not interest you, not even for a single moment. It can be anything from painting, across drugs to the extend of mathematics and IT. The answer is simple - you have already done it in the past and you either did not like it (so you don't want to waste your time with it) or you mastered it so you do not need to waste your time with it, unless you really enjoy it and it helps you to focus on growing yourself and improving in other connected areas.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">So when we have the heritage from our past lifetimes, we do not have to worry about missing out on something - it will come in the next one, and now it is our goal to acquire deep skills and knowledge in certain areas instead of running around in chaos trying to do as much as possible in less than a century.<br />So what is the confession? you may be asking..</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Well, I want to help people find out about this. I want to become a sparing partner for my friends, family, coworkers, classmates, neighbours, wide public. I want to become their sparing partner in becoming the best version of themselves without making them feel that they are behind, that their life is running through their fingers and they will never succeed. I want to motivate people to make this world a better place. By them mastering certain atributes of their personality, their skills, their prerequisites, by showing them that everybody is great in something, no matter how big or small it can appear to the world. Because if we all come together, doing different things in the highest possible vibration, on the highest possible level, we can heal ourselves, our society, our planet. We just have to let the chaos and overwhelming feelings disappear. I imagine it as a puzzle - we are all individual pieces which click into each other perfectly. However, if we try to become uniformed, good in the same as the people (puzzle pieces) around us, we will never create the masterpiece of united and purposeful picture.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I might not change this world for better, but I want to help others to make it happen. I want to become a cheerleader of those who have big things ahead of them and who might be unbeli</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">evably confused now. I do not have to be THE BEST person on this earth, mastering and knowing everything. I just want to have a chance to make others shine. Because seeing others happy is what makes me happy, from the depths of my belief, my heart, my soul.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That is my confession.<br />I do NOT want to become a MASTER, I want to help others to become MASTERS.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">And thanks to that I now know what to do in my daily, what to focus on and what to celebrate every morning as the sun rises.</span></span></div>
letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-41141798179125766152020-01-11T00:37:00.000+01:002020-01-11T12:30:27.596+01:00Setting us free 10/01/2020<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">It has been the longest period of time without contact. Since we know each other. Since almost a year ago when our lives have changed forever. That day slowly coming closer makes it hard. I miss you. I miss you so much.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I lost not just a person with whom I knew I wanted to spend my life but also a friend. A really good friend. Best friend in a way. T</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">hat kind of a person in front of whom you don't</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> have to pretend anything, you have no filter. You were the only person who I let in. And now you're gone.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We are connected more than in this 3D world. I feel your energy and I don't care how weird and creepy it sounds. I have no filter with you. What is on my mind and in my heart is on my tongue as well. Strong connection, true soulmates. Yep, that's us.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But I am no longer welcomed in your world and I respect that. I know that you are moving forward. You are building somethign new with somebody else. And no matter how much it hurts me, I am truly happy for you. If this is what makes you happy, then go for it.<br />I would always support you no matter what.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I hope that one day we will be able to speak with each other without hurting, feeling betrayed or hurt. I miss you babovkito. So much that it physically hurts. I think you know what I mean.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But I want you to be happy. So please be. Listen to your heart and do what you reall want. Not what is expected, what you should be doing. But what really sparks the light in your heart.<br />I always told you that sometimes we just know if somethign is right for us or not. And we do NOT have to have a reason for that. Listen to yourself, your gut and your heart. It knows everything it needs to know. You just have to listen to your emotions with no need of explanation to anybody. Just you. Be honest with yourself.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Follow your heart and your dreams. They will become reality. I am sure of that.<br /><br />May you be lucky in your life and I hope you will spend it with the person about whom you think as the first one every morning when you wake up. You are a good man and you deserve everything you have been working for so hard.<br />I love you and I always will.<br /><br /><br />I am moving on. There are people in my life who can make me happier than you. People I can build future with. I wish it could be you but you decided to leave my life so I am changing my plans. Yes, I really suck at planning. As well as you do.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I want the life I deserve. I want to be with the person who wants to be a part of my future. Person who is stable and who knows what he wants. And unfortunately that is not you. It is somebody else. Someone who will grow by my side and who will have a chance to see my growth.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It has bee a fucking painfull process. These months kicked my ass, everything what happened pushed me down. So deep into the shit, that I would never expect that I can get out of it. But I am getting out of it. And I am way stronger, wiser and way more passionate than you knew me.<br />You would be proud of who I became.<br />And I am proud of myself.<br /><br />Maybe we will have a chance to become power couple again in a different lifetime. We will build our own universe and we will show it to Bruno. (Yes, I officially love the name.)<br /><br />I love you.</span><br />
<br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-73332351645499761832020-01-11T00:13:00.000+01:002020-01-11T12:27:01.730+01:0004/01/2020<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Today I had a huge meltdown.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">In the morning I woke up to a notification from Instagram saying that you reacted to my story. I thought it is a sign of you being open to talk. Even though I was confuced because crying emoji to a story about my New Year's Eve seems weird. But I was happy to see that we might be able to speak. After the fiask on Christmas day and no news since then I felt terrible. I miss you. A lot!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">And seeing you having fun and not being able to speak to me confuses me.<br />So I asked you about your Nochevieja. And I got a reply saying: "Hi. Sleeping at 22h." And you deleted your reaction to my story.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I also got news about my job applications, two of them looking super promising just to be rejected in both of them. I am arguying with my parents, even my brother shouted at me today and I also miss my grandpa.<br />I feel like whatever I do is wrong. I feel like I'm in this cycle which seems unbreakable. I wanna get out but I don't know how...<br />And you being gone even though you said you will never disappear makes everything harder.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I think that today I realized you're gone. Gone from my life. And you don't care anymore.<br /><br />And as all of this mixed in my head I got those dark thoughts again. Those thoughts I promised myself I will never have. Never again.... I was driving and I thought how easy it would be for everybody if I disappear from this planet. If I just increase the speed and leave everything on fate,destiny... But I cannot do this to my parents. That would break them.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I need to fix this. To fix myself. I am tired of feeling like crap. I want to blossom.I want to live life and be happy!<br /><br />So when I arrived home I sat in a freezing car for over an hour. Just to sob, to try to pick myself up, to survive, to breathe.... I called Penny because I felt like she is the only one who would understand me without judging and she calmed me down. However, when she mentioned that it is normal because of everything I am going through and that I have lost the love of my life, being you, I felt awful. Because it sounded like even such a dreamer and believer, who Penny always is, admits that Baru and Buru are done. Like if she saw it coming when she spoke to you few days back. Then she added that I lost you for now which helped to calm me down. I know how ridiculous it sounds but I cannot help it.<br />I am immensely happy and grateful for her. She truly is my guardian angel.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I miss Puigpunyent. I miss my life there. I miss the idea of me having a home in such a special place. With you. I miss you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">But I am letting you go. I need to heal and you are hurting me more and more very time I even just think about you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">We both need to live our lives. And if we are ment to be, we will. In a week, month, year, when we are 80..... And if not, then...well...<br /><br />I love you!<br /><br />And I always will.</span></span><br />
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letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-13510652367543864682019-12-12T09:33:00.000+01:002019-12-12T09:33:29.252+01:00Who am I? 27/3/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">They call it middle life crisis but for me it came now, in my twenties. What is your life purpose? Who are you? Where are you going? Is this really the way you would like to live your life? </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I used to answer the question "Who are you?" pretty easily - I am a student who is also working and trying to set up my future plan, my future life, my goals. I love traveling and learning from the others by listening to their life stories. I am passionate about visuals, books and foreign languages. I don't have time to do all of this due to studying and working full time, but once I finish my university, I will be free and I will be able to dedicate my time to all the above... For sure!<br /><br />And where am I right now? Not a student anymore - yaaas, huge acomplishment but I don't feel like it is something special. I studied economics, but I know absolute nothing about finances, e.g. how to fill in the tax form. I got the diploma but nothing really big happened. I haven't felt any huge change around me, within me. It is still the old me but know without the student part. I cannot say I am a student anymore. One of the biggest rocks fell of my chest when I finished school, but I kind of miss it. I miss the feeling of belonging into a certain group of people, my friends. I miss the feeling of doing something familiar, something I was good at. And yes, I can become a student again, but I don't want to. I want to enjoy the freedom.<br />But am I truly free? Wouldn't say so. Responsibilities and commitments are slowly but surely appearing in my life even from directions I didn't expect. I love my job and my colleagues. But I know there is more waiting for me and I cannot wait to reach the point where it will all become a part of my life, of me and I will become part of it. But I have to wait, because..... There are many legitimate reasons for a little wait, little delay against the first plan (yes, bad planner on the scene again, I know!). But I am slowly loosing my mind, my patience is way too weak for all of this. I want it all and I want it now.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I want to live life. I don't want to do the right things, I want to live. I want to experience everything I was putting away because of school, parents, lack of money, time, possibilities. I want to do it all. I want to be the one telling the life stories to others. The one who did something big, something meaningful, something nobody else around me has ever done. But instead I feel like I am the 13 year old girl who is taught by the closest ones how to deal with certain things. Like if the learning fase never ends. Which is exciting but also scary. I want to know I am doing my shit the right way, the best way for me, but there is always somebody who tells me differnetly, who knows more about life because blablabla... It is my family, my friends, you. I know you all do this in order to provide me with options. I know you don't want me to feel bad that you actually want to make me feel ecstatic. But I feel suppressed instead. I feel like I am not capable of deciding anythign in my life without a consultation with somebody, one of the closest people. And my self confidence which I tried to build super hard in last years is disappearing. I feel the need to get approval before I opt for something. Being a libra means a lot of indecisiveness which on its own brings a lot of struggle in one's life.<br /><br />And knowing there has been plenty of other people who had a chance to experience one of the best and most valuable moments of your life and who are now your past make me jealous and scared at the same time. Jealous because I feel like you have done it all and I cannot participate in your discovery of the world's secrets. Jealous becaouse you already know how it feels to be in certain situation with somebody else and I know no shit about it, therefore I will make the repetitive experince a complete fail compared to the previous experience due to me not knowing what am I doing. Scared because they were the most important people in part of your life and you decided to share the most importatnt moments with them. But now they are just a memory, just a reminder of the good old days even though at a certain moment, maybe for an extensive part of your life you thought they will never loose their improtance for you and that they will slowly vanish from your daily life. And I don't want to be one of them. One of many about whom you thought as about the life-long companions but who are now just people you used to share everything with.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I opened my heart to you. Completely. I am doing it even know. And I am scared that I will lose all of it. All the special little things we have in common. All the precious moments we got to share. All the for you pointless but for me the most precious memories.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I am scared because I started to realize that what I considered as something special towards me is actually common for you. Something what made me feel special is a day-to-day part of your life. And what confuses me the most is actually the fact that those acts and attitudes of yours are what I love about you. I love how gentle, friendly and caring you are. I am proud to have a chance to see it happen on my own eyes and I am learnign from you all the time. But it also shows me that I might not be satisfied with the same demostration of your feelings to me. Satisfied is not the right word but I don't know how to describe it. I had a certain standard which is now drastically changing and I don't know how to approach it, how to tackle it. I need time. And I hate that. That is where the lack of patience reveals itself again. I want to be able to reach your level without loosing what is important for me. And that sounds like an oxymoron to me, because I have to and I want to say goodbye to few principles I now consider insignificant but I want to stay true to myself and I don't want to change too much, because that would not be me. It would be a generic human being made up to your liking and I am too proud of myself for that. I know I am not one from the crowd, but sometimes I feel like that.</span></span><br />
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letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-64714561244566893882019-12-12T02:00:00.001+01:002019-12-12T09:35:59.443+01:0011/12/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I am DONE with you!!!!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Today we should have called. I took a day off from work, I didn't sign up for any shift just ot be able to speak to you. And what happened - surprise, surprise. You were in a bad mood to call and you didn't even bother to charge your fucking phone. Again!!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You scratched our call because you were not feeling 100% happy and it would not be a nice conversation - your words. I am so fed up!! This is typicall you. Everything always about you. Everybody else than me. And maybe then, as a last option - me. You are saying how much you still love me and miss me.<br />LIAR!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You even deleted the last bit of me from your days - Bohyně. And I know this is silly but let me tell you something - every single one of your exes has the priviledge to be part of your vivid past by photos and writing - on your blog, instagram, facebook. Tha places where you present yourself and your thoughts. And do you know what? I am not there. I don't and I didn't exist in your life. Ever. Fully. Partialy. I have never been there.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You never considered me as that. And now I know there is no way back. You just showed me today how you really are. You cannot be bothered with me. You are saying how much you love me and how hard it is for you to function without me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">But you are a fucking liar. Coward who never took me or us seriously. You might have tried to convince both of us, but you never fully went for us.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">And I am so angry to myself that I let you do this to me. To hurt me so much. To break my heart over and over. I was willing to change, to give up on my beliefs, my dreams and my standards. You even ruined my health and I never said anything. I never shouted at you, I never fully argued with you. I let you abuse me with your toxicity, your vague words, accusations about my thoughts and actions. You always played the role of victim, the poor guy who is not understood by others. And you enjoyed being pampered by me. But when I needed you the most when my life was falling apart you quit. You did not even bother to try something. You knew for over a month that something was wrong but you never told me and you didn't even fly to me trying to fix it even though you promised that.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I didn't trust you and now I see I was right.<br />And I know one thing. I could have done things better, maybe it would help for a moment. But this is for sure your fault. You tried to put it on me. On my jealousy. But no!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">This is your fault. You have to take responsibility for your decision. You tried to put it on me and I actually accepted it. But I shouldn't.<br />It was a wrong decision.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You did a mistake.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You pushed me to the edge. And I will never forget about that. I am forgiving you, because of myself - I don't want to hold those bad emotions. But I will not forget it all, as you did already.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">It was your mistake.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Your WRONG decision.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">...but I still love you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-40781206336527619232019-12-12T01:26:00.000+01:002019-12-12T09:37:22.837+01:003/12/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Back to something you said yesterday- if this didn't give you anything, if you didn't learn anything about relationships, if you consider our relationship a waste of time, then I don't know what to say.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">If you consider us a waste of time then I don't know who you are. You are not who you used to be. The person I fell in love with.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">It hurt me. Again. Hearing it didn't give you anything. Me, us... if that was a waste of time for you... You just opened one of the biggest wounds and you poured in tone of salt. You hurt me again.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">But this is your journey. You have to realize that everything we go through and everyone we meet teaches us something. It is only up to us if we want to see it and learn. It is about our approach and our attitude. And you will see what all of this taught you. One day.<br />And now it is up to me how I will react to your hit, to your kick, to you stepping on my heart again. I am the one who decides if I will learn from it or not. If I will let you do it again or not. I am the one who decides if I will accept all bad with love or resistance. And now I know love is the true essence of life...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">So I will accept your hard words with love and gratitude.</span></span><br />
<br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-14162396254347015192019-12-12T00:58:00.002+01:002019-12-12T09:42:58.459+01:002/12/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You called me today, like hour ago to explain everything to me. You said you will not be able to write it down as you promised and that it put too much pressure on you. OK. I accepted the "spoken version". Even though I wanted to have something to go back to. And now I have nothing.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You told me you did it because you thought it was right. Because you followed your gut. Things were wrong for the last month and a half or so and you felt like we idealised each other and our relationship. We were not true and we pretended it could work. You also said it was mostly because of my jealousy. Your words: "You were the purest thing in my life, but jealousy took you away".</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You are not sure if it was the right thing and now you are suffering a lot. You don't know how to trust people. Again.<br />I had a feeling like you are regreting the relationship. And when I told you what I think and what it all taught me, you told me all of this did not teach you a single thing about relationships. Maybe about love, but nothing about relationships. You also said, with a really direct and hurting voice that you are not here to be my guide and teach me hot to live, how to do things I have never done before. Because "you are not my father or grandpa but you are (you were) my boyfriend".</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Like if I wanted you to be that.... I didn't. I wanted to just be with you. And yes, I learn from the people around me and if I am spending a lot of time with you, I will for sure learn from you. Even if I don't want to. But I do. I do want to learn as much as I can throughout my life. Because I believe sharing and learning is the true essence of life. Now I know it and i am glad for it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You told me that you felt like I was too attached to you, to us. That it, in a way, suffocated you. And yes. I have to admit I have an issue with that. I had that issue before you and I was working on that with the psychologist I was seeing few years back. And even though I thought I overcame it, I might have actually fell back into it with you. That might have been the "trigger" for the jealousy. And I used a paralel with horses and flaps on their eyes to explain how I understand jealousy. I think you didn't get it. But that is not my issue anymore. That is your life now. And you have to battle through it the way how you decide to. And you were the one who decided I should not be next to you on your life journey therefore you have to figure out how to get out of this.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You kicked me out of your life and I am not the one who should be comforting you. I am hurt myself. I have trust issues myself. And I love you a lot. A fucking lot! But right now I have to fix myself because I don't have the capacity to help to fix somebody else. In the beginning of the year you told me I helped to fix you from the previous relationship. And look where it got us, how much it took from me. It drained me. It took all of my energy and it changed me into somebody I never wanted to be. I have to focus on myself and my own healing now. I want to become the best version of myself I can, before helping anybody else on their life journey.<br />It might not seem like that to you. But I have changed. A lot! Everything I have said might have changed your opinion on me for the worse. But that is your perception. I know I am doing the right things and I know that one day you will understand and you will se how much I have improved.<br />(Regarding attachement in relationships - I believe that if 2 people truly want to continue in life together, their goals and ways how to reach them will change. And I believe it is right and it is natural. Life is energy. And energy is transforming all the time. Therefore change is inevitable and it should be welcomed because it improves constantly and if it is not going in a completely opposite direction all of the sudden, then it is not wrong. Change is necessary. Stagnation is the poison.)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I still believe that one day we will see the old spark again. I believe that we are compatible. It was just a wrong timing.<br />But unless you see it the same, we cannot move forward. We will be able to proceed once you see it the same way. Once you are willing to start from a new beginning. <br />All over again.<br />Te amo amigo.<br />Te amo babovkito.<br /><br />I haven't been here, on this planet in this lifetime for long. I haven't experienced as much as others. But I have gone through a lot in such a short time that I have grown beyond my expectations. And I am proud of that. And I will not let anybody say that I am not good, experienced or improved enough. This is not a competition. We cannot compare each other. We are all different. This is life. Don't judge the journey of others based on your one. They might be faster or slower, taking the highway or mountain road. Their car might be the newest model with basically no milage or well driven veteran. It is their journey and you are not here to judge it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Speaking about attachement - do you know what happened in last 2 months? I lost my life partner, I lost my future, I lost my house, I lost my job, my health. I lost my grandpa and I lost myself. I have experienced it all at once. Everything what I was attached to and what was stable in my life disappeared. So for fuck sake, don't tell me I attach to everything too much. I have learned my lesson. I am not attaching anymore, to anything or anyone. Not even you (or at least I am trying not to).</span></span>letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-24880837626695295612019-11-15T02:22:00.000+01:002019-12-12T00:22:44.214+01:0003/11/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Brunch with colleagues from hotel. Having fun and listening to them and their stories. Being quiet but enjoying the time with them. Getting a bit tipsy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Going with Monika to her place because I didn't want to go home. She lives at the same metro stop where we got together. It was painful to be at that place again. Without you. A lot of tension. Sadness. Not knowing what to do but managing it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Breathe in and out.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Packing. Moving back home is not fun.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Going to unexpected gathering with friends. Having fun when listening to stories of one of them from 1 year in the USA.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Lucerna Music Club. Dance floor. 80's music. People. A lot of them.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Trying to stay calm.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Hiding at toilet.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Panic attack.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Leaving early.<br />Crying on the bus on the way home.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Breathe in and out.</span></span><br />
<br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-34351303001846083092019-11-14T01:46:00.002+01:002019-11-29T22:05:59.182+01:0031/10/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Today I have been with my grandparents and everything was good. But as I arrived home it fell on me. I wasn't thinking about you for the whole day but now the only thing I can think about is you. How I would love to have you by my side and how we would enjoy our time together.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">It was an amazing day and as I was driving through the nature and little villages I thought about the fact that I might not have a chance to show them to you. All the autumn colours and beautiful scenerie. But I was in peace with that because I knew I will have a chance. I felt it in my heart. But now my belief and trust betrayed me.<br />Hugging you is the only thing which would calm me down. I don't know what am I doing with my life. I don't know on what to focus. I cannot decide what to do. Where to go. How to settle if so.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Panic attack. It is here...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I can feel that you have already moved on. But I will still dream about you standing in front of my parent's house. Ringing the bell and just standing there, without words. Me running to you. Hugging you and never letting you go away ever again. No explanation needed. We would know. Our souls speak to each other. We do not need words.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Our skin touching is relief. It is the trustfull feeling of safety. When we are together the world is spinning in the right direction, in the right speed.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">To be together is the calm feeling of goodness. World is the way how it should be. It is happiness. Pure emotion. Pure us.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">But now it is just me writing these stupid texts for nothing. For the sake of releasing a bit of my heartache. For the sake of self-reflection. To understand myself and to give more strenght and probability to my wishes.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">One day you will stand in front of those doors.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I know it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">My love.<br />Babovkito.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Take the time you need.<br />I will not wait for you. But I will be there. What is ment to be will happen.</span></span><br />
<br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-49072453405692485702019-11-14T01:30:00.002+01:002019-11-29T22:03:14.781+01:0021/10/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I had an interesting conversation with my best friend's mum and she mentioned something I would like to remember. "Behave in front of your kids and towards your kids the way how you want them to behave in the future." As simple as it sounds yet not so common. I hope one day I will be able to give a good example to my own kids.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I have visited my grandparents today and I had hard moments when looking how fast life can disappear from your body and mind and how scary it is to see the people you loved and love change, adults becoming kids. And you cannot do anything about that and you know it will not become better. It tears my heart apart but it also helps me to find the power and strenght which is needed to help. To help them and my dad.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I am reflecting a lot and I am slowly realizing I have been pretty selfish and even though there is nothing wrong with focusing on myself, I know there is more I have to do. Not because it is expected or required, but because if I don't do at least the minimum I can, I would regret it. Time flies fast and we only have one chance to live these exact moments.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I was super anxious after the visit at my grandparent's place that I had to go for a drive. I drove around and through the villages nearby and I have been in some of them for the first time. It was a weird feeling not knowing my own home but at the same time quite terrifying feeling when I imagined myself living here and not being able to explore the world. Like if I would be tied down here without a chance to escape...<br /><br />I also received my tarot cards and I did first ever reading. And I believe there is a lot of truth and I am not exactly sure what they mean and represent, but I feel that all of this is a huge sign. Sign for me that I am on the right path. The path of becoming better person, better version of myself. Becoming self-aware and conscious. Becoming true me!<br /><br />I hope you are doing good. I hope that you are happy even though it kind of tears me apart as I see you disappearing from my life and me from yours. But I know we will see each other. So I am more observing this rather than stressing about it.</span></span><br />
<br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-14641941172368652352019-11-14T01:12:00.000+01:002019-11-29T22:00:32.829+01:0020/10/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Something has changed in me yesterday. After writing the text I feel light, relieved, free. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And I understood one thing. I have to let you go. I have to detach and by that set you and most importantly me free.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I love you and I hope one day we will be able to speak again. And maybe even feel the connection again. Even stronger than before. And we will. I know it.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Te amo babovkito.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I am letting you go.<br />I trust the universe.<br />I love,<br />I trust,<br />I fell,<br />I am.</span>letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-63477869408748137612019-11-12T00:37:00.000+01:002019-11-29T22:01:08.591+01:0019/10/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Monings as well as time when the sun slowly starts to set are the hardest. They remind me of you too much.<br />I don't have the energy to do anything whole day. It is a huge paralysis which got my whole system. Eating is just a necessity and something I am trying to eliminate as I don't feel the taste anyway. I would like to just crawl into bed and sleep, forget about everything and just disappear. Go away from the Earth surface. Just to stop this emptiness. I don't know what to do with myself. Focusing seems impossible, setting plans and trying to execute them pointless.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You are gone and you are not planning to come back. I wish I could detach from my feelings like you do. Not to feel anything. Just do my daily, which I don't even know what it is. I am without job, with hurt feet, drowning emotions and fifty million pieces of something what used to be my heart.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">This might be a test on my path. End even though I don't want to fail, I think I am doing so. The idea of somebodyelse than you coming closer and even just trying to hug me fills me with disgust. Thinking about anything else, more is impossible. I don't know if I will ever let anybody so close like I did with you even though I am desperate for a hug. The true one only you knew how to give. I kind of hate you for teaching me that. What was once beautiful act now seems as the biggest trap. And you are slowly replacing me. You do so as easy as it sounds. Without a blink of eye. Just finding somebody who would take my place - in your head, heart, bed, life...<br />I hate you!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I fucking hate you for what you have done to me and for all the lies you told me. You fucking bastard.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I hate you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">And I hate that I still love you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I don't know if I will ever forgive you.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I was just another number, nothing more. 46... Yes, I hated this. I hate it. I hate you and I cannot believe that I ever apologized to you. You did NOT say sorry one time. You did not apologize for what you have done. How you hurt me. how you shreaded me apart. You accused me from hurting you but do you have an idea what you have done to me?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I don't think you know. And I think you don't even care. Because I wasn't anything more than just a distraction for a moment.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I hate you!!!!</span></span><br />
<br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-42434466836155602862019-11-10T01:09:00.001+01:002019-11-29T21:56:41.504+01:0018/10/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I cannot. I cannot anymore.<br />I cannot breathe. There are moments when I loose it all... I thought I would be able to move on. To move on once you are far away. I thought me coming home would help to distance me from everything, all the pain. You. Us.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">But. I just discovered how much I hate the smell of the air here. How I miss those little streets which were filled with pain and sorrow. How I miss anything what would remind me of us. That all of this was not just an amazing dream. Dream and never a reality. And the only thing which makes it real is your shirt. The only thing I have from you and which will remind me of you. It slowly looses your smell.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You dissappear from my life more and more every second and there is nothing I can do.<br />I cannot remember how it feels to have you close. How your fingers dance on my skin. How your eyes look. How you smell. How your laugh sounded. How your soul danced together with mine.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">And everything I got is silence. Sillence which kills me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I just read the lines you wrote to the previous one. I read those lines of your hurt, sorrow, grief... And when I read them, the thingh which came to my mind devasted me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Nothing for me. Not a single word. Like if this did not touch you. Like if it is just a little bump on the road. Like if me hurting you deleted everything what happened before. All the plans and dreams we had together, all the emotions, love, understanding, trust. Everything is gone because of me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">The last memory of you I have is your back. Yesterday, when I was coming with my suitcases to the bus stop I went by your house. You didn't know I was there, you were talking to your neighbour and I couldn't stop but I will have forever in front of my eyes your back.The same shirt you wore the day I met you. I hate red a black checked shirts now.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I left as if I was defeated. And I am. The place which should have been our home now haunts me. Every morning and evening I picture you by my side. I picture us preparing breakfast in that little and dirty kitchen. I imagine how we do the normal thing which making big breakfast and then sitting down on terrace was. I imagine how we are falling into the sheets in your dark room. Pretending we are going to sleep but knowing that is the last thing we want to do and the last thing we will actually do. I imagine us becoming connected, body to body, breath in breath, skin rubbing, hair pulling, groans and desires whispered. I can almost feel everything I felt in those moments of pure connection.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">And then I realize you are not here. I am not there. And my whole body starts to ache. Starts to shake. I cannot breathe. I lose it all.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I want to feel physical pain. That is the only thing which helps with the heart and soul ache.There is crumbled soul in a healthy shell.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I feel empty.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">But I have to pretend I am fine. Instead of crawling to your arms for a hug and kiss I have to stand tall. Alone. And pretend that everything will be fine. Is fine. That I am managing it and I am strong. I know I am and that I will become way stronger but the scars will never dissappear.<br />I will work on myself. I will become the best possible version of myself. For you. For me. For my future.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Maybe one day you will have a chance to see it. You will search for me in order to find out how the girl you once knew and loved is doing. And by then I will be way stronger than we can even imagine now.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I know that I will reach that spot and I hope you will too. One day we will meet again and we will realize that we are true soulmates and we could make it work then. Now.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-2764073118907726902019-11-08T21:20:00.002+01:002019-11-08T21:20:52.679+01:0017/10/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Last 2 hours in the village. Ufff.... It tears me apart and I cannot wait at the same time. And you are not even here. Everytime I said goodbye before, you were there. And now it's just me. Alone. With no prospect of seeing you again.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I have a feeling that I will never see you again. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">It hurts.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I want it to end. And I don't at the same time. Because that would mean it is all just a memory. History. Nothing present.<br />It hurts!...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">One day we will become couple again. One day our souls will be ready to connect and they will do so. They will connect even deeper and they will stay connected until the end of our days on this planet, in this lifetime.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">It happened once and we are not done yet. We just have to be ready. Both of us. At the same time.</span></span><br />
<br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-78062029325524227802019-10-22T00:13:00.002+02:002019-11-08T21:04:00.515+01:0016/10/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Second to last day here on the island for now. I don't know how I feel about that. I am nervous. Super nervous actually. I am torned between two versions of my future. One of them contains you and the other one does not. I thought it will for sure be the one with you but yesterday I had a conversation with Helen and she told me few things which I am concerned about. One of them being the fact that this is it, that she doesn't see any future for the two of us together. And that by the time I move back to Puigpunyent, you will be already gone. I cannot help myself but hesitate if my own feeling was wrong and I am starting to think this might really be the end, the end of us, in this lifetime.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">But then I thought about the fact that she might be wrong because she sees her life with her eyes and even though she is experienced and connected to something higher, that does not give her the right or probability of being right all the time. Maybe this is just a test for me. Test of how dedicated and convinced I am. How much do I trust and how strong my will is.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I started meditating yesterday and I am determined to keep it as long as possible. It should have helped me to detach from you but today I got a message from you. Obviously you are getting rid of everything what would remind you of me. I hope you will keep the guitar, partly because it would remind you of me, so I would not be gone from your life completely and partly (mostly) because you should keep doing music. You should not stop with something what is such a big part of your life and I hope you will keep playing.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Now I need to find a way how to give you the letter you asked for. I want to see you but most likely I should not. I need to give you space. And I need to give space to myself. I (don't) want to appear at your door.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I need to keep telling myself that what is ment to be, will happen and I cannot change what is not. I cannot push and I should not push anything. It would not help with anything and it would do more bad than good.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I need to let go. Let (you) go.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /><br />Maybe we,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">just found forever</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">at the wrong time,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">and someday time</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">will pull us back</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">together again.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">(faraway)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I still believe</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">there's a right time</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">for everything,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">even us.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">(faraway)</span></span><br />
<br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-14393128152570380002019-10-19T19:39:00.002+02:002019-11-29T21:49:56.716+01:0015/10/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I wasn't able to write. After seeing you my head has been a complete mess. It has been hard to stop thinking about you, us and our last conversation. Last for now. I know that this is not the end. I am not sure if you feel the same way or not, but I believe in us having future. Maybe I am wrong but something in me is telling me that I am right. There is more to us and I hope that you will be able to see it too. This is way bigger than just attraction or love. Our souls are connected on a higher level.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">You told me that you want to have me in your life and I know that the only way how I can do that would be as a more than friend. You also told me that you need more time. Time to heal. I hope that you will be able to heal and forgive me. And that you will be able to open your heart to mine. I respect that you need time and I will use this time for myself. I need to work on myself, my perception on life and I need to find myself again. I lost myself and I forgot everything I have discovered when I was on the island the last time. I have been weak and I was listening to other people instead of myself. They thought whatever they are saying is for my good and they didn't have bad intensions, but the outcome wasn't good for me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">We are influenced by the people who are the closest to us. By the people who are part of our daily and their opinions slowly become ours too. It is hard to resist the influence.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">And I know I need change in this sense. I have amazing people around me, but their values and aspirations are way different than mine. And I think this has been your case too. When we are not careful people can project their own desires to us and we can slowly take them as ours. Those people are slowly draging us down instead of lifting us up. I know we used to have the lifting influence on each other and we were surrounding ourselves with like-minded people. But then everything went down the shithole. I think neither of us was strong enough to stand for our plans and values. Yes, even though you are one of the strongest people I know, you let others including me to drag you down.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I am sorry for that. I truly am!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I just hope you will realize what impact people around you are having on you and that you will create boarders which are necessary and which will keep you on the right track because there are big things ahead of you and I hope you will be able to reach all of them. Because they are all amazing and special - the same way as you are. And I hope our world will have a chance to see and experience what you are capable of.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Don't let anybody stop you and listen to yourself, to your own heart, your gut, your soul.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Now I need to let you go. It is hard as fuck but I have to let go all what has been wrong and I can only hope for the good. I will be working as hard and as much as I can on becoming the best version of myself. To be ready for everything what is coming my way. And I hope one day we will become even stronger version of us together than we used to be.<br />I trust in you. I trust in me. I trust in us. Together.</span></span><br />
<br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-47403397541816331702019-10-19T14:31:00.000+02:002019-11-29T21:46:08.609+01:0013/10/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Last night I couldn't sleep and I had a series of small anxiety attacks. Again. Another one, big one came in the morning, right after waking up. I couldn't breathe and I felt the weight of the whole world.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">And I don't know if it was in the evening, during the night or in the morning, but I found out what to do with myself in following months. I wasn't sure if I should stay here or not. If I should go back home or to UK. Or sowhere else. And then the solution came to me. So easy - Asia. I have exactly few weeks to "kill" and this has been my plan last year, so why not to change the timing a bit.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I feel way calmer. It still takes my breath away when I think about you not being part of my life anymore. I cannot imagine my days without your presence at least via messages. It kills me, it really does. But if we weren't ment to be, than I cannot persuade you to stay.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I am super scared of tonight. I am scared to see you even though I cannot wait for that. I think you have already erased me from your life and from your home and that is why you don't want to talk to me at your place. You might be scared that us there would remind you of everything what we said and did there and you might would like to continue in it. Or maybe you don't want to have bad memories attached to your home (which for some time (should) have been mine, too) or somebody else will be waiting there for you after our conversation. Who knows...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I just know that I am scared and excited at the same time. To see you for one last time.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I kind of gave up my hope. I don't think you would change your mind. I wish for it with my whole heart, but I am not sure if this miracle will happen.</span></span><br />
<br />letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-1944710765238268612019-10-19T00:08:00.001+02:002019-11-29T21:43:14.031+01:0012/10/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Almost half year later after the last entry. Time flies and things change. Quickly. Too quickly. Jsut 14 days ago I thought that by now we would be living our happily ever after once I move to Mallorca. And instead I am wandering around the place which used to be my home. I am looking at things not with eyes filled with love but with eyes covered by a shadow of hurt, betrayal and disappointment.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Every time I pass the little street where are your doors, I hold my breath and I have to remember that those doors are not open for me anymore even though you said they will never close for me and that I will be able to find home behind them. Always.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">So funny how one word can change the meaning in such a short time. <b>Always</b> can transform into <b>never</b> so easily. Without an explanation.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You are living your life the way you used to. Like if I never became a part of it. Like if we were never living our fairytale.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">The place which I fell in love with changed to a place where I fell in love. With you. And even though it wasn't connected to you before, now it is. I see us everywhere and my happy safe spot changed into a trap. Trap for my thoughts, trap for my plans, my dreams, my desires.<br />I am trying to find the spirit which left together with our love, our dreams, our future. And I am failing so hard it tears me apart every time I breathe.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I tried to come back and overcome the heartache, but it seems impossible. It is not helping. It is making everything worse. But I also kind of cannot stop.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">It is like a flagellation act. An attempt to feel something and step out of the weird phase I am in. The one where I don't feel anything. Numb moments. Numb life.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Trying to get out of it but not too hard because it would mean saying goodbye to the memories of us. To us.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><b>Love is brutal.</b></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><b>One moment it enables you to fly,</b></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><b>the second it wrenches your viscera out.</b></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I know I will be able to get out of this slump. I will survive. But these scars will heal a long time. And maybe these wounds will never cure.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Hitting the rock bottom hurts,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">but remeber you can only</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">go up from there.</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You cannot control what happens in your life.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">But you are in control of how you will react.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Remeber that.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You are in control of how you will react!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You will rise higher,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">you will be stronger. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">You will learn </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">and you will shine.</span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I know it,</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">you know it. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Let it sink in</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">and trust.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5673001933876637477.post-48302902733965434512019-10-18T23:02:00.003+02:002019-10-18T23:02:44.417+02:0013/04/2019<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I feel like there's something wrong with me as I am not OK with how are things going between us. Actually I feel like there's nothing really happening. Like if we are both living our normal life and keeping in touch with the other just because of habit but not real interest and curiosity.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I know I am most probably wrong but I cannot help but think we are just used to saying "I love you" and therefore it lost its true, original meaning we gave it in the beginning of this relationship.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I know you are busy, but I don't feel the drive in your actions like before. And to be honest, the same is kind of happening to me. You think I am not ready for relationship. But to be honest, I think you're not neither. And you know that. Somewhere in the corner of your heart. But we are too scared to ruin this. THIS. What is happening between us, within us. And admiting that we are not ready for each other might ruin it. And none of us is willing to fire out the bummer.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I know there is something special on us together. I am not sure what exactly, but I know it is worth every drop of energy I have left in me. I know it is worth any struggle possible. I know I am able to sacrifice whatever it takes to make us happen. And not just us, but all the greatness in the world which is awaiting us.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">I am just having one of the weak moments. One of those moments when you just want to give up and walk away...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">But I am not going to do that! I love you and I am standing tall and strong for us. I believe in us. I believe in the better world we will create together. I believe in me. I believe in you. I believe in our universe. The one we have dreamt about for ages, for many lives. The one we are becoming to create. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">Our little paradise. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.6px;">The grand oasis. </span></span>letterbworldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07848445006669374550noreply@blogger.com0