sobota 4. dubna 2020

One of the reasons

Today has been a normal yet special day. Could be considered boring but big revelations has been done too. Weird, but well life they call it.

I was on the call with over 10 other girls from that vilagge I used to call my second home. They all live in that piece of heaven on Earth which I fell in love with and which I later avoided. Because reasons... And I found out something during that video call. I felt something. So unexpected yet so familiar. The feeling of knowing. The feeling of coming back to the truth which has been somewhere super deep, hidden, but present throughout the whole time.

Intuition. Gut feeling. Certainty.

I miss them. I miss the ME which appears when I am in Pugipugi. I miss the feeling of pure life. So much! And even though I hesitated and I did not believe it would became my home again because of all what happened, I now know. I reconnected with my inner voice, intuition if you will. And I felt the sudden calmness coming from certainty. They will be again my day-to-day reality. The whole familiar place. The little universe within a little island in the middle of Mediterranean sea.

Let me explain....

Everytime I came back (after a day, weekend, weeks, months) I felt the rock lifting up from my chest and ability to breathe again. Yes, I'm talking about coming back to that end of the world in the Sierra Tramuntana. I did not speak mallorquin, I did not know every person living there, I did not fall in love with the typical spanish lifestyle. But it was my home anyway. And knowing you're home is connected to the confidence rooted in your heart. I felt a glimpse of that when returning to my parent's place, I feel a bit of that in my current flat, I felt it partialy when I stepped again to the norwegian land. But where I felt it fully was on the dry and dirty roads of Mallorca. In that little ball of cute empty little streets. In the maze of houses with green shutters and queer hotel on the hill above. 
Even when going through the dark times and considering that place being a prison, it felt good. It felt safe. Why?
Because I knew I was able to establish myslef there. I was able to create my life based on who I truly am. Without any burden from the place I grew up at. Without a need to explain my thoughts, behaviour, habits, myself. 

I was able to disconnect in order to connect.
from the world...... with myself

And there I found bad and ugly people. But most importantly I met the most amazing, thoughtful and loving people. People who always had my back, who welcomed me in their life without expectations, judgements nor condemnation. There were people who just pretended to care and who did not give a damn about me once I stepped out from the village. but those are not who i am talking about.
I am talking about those who genuinly care and who check on me even now months and years after seeing each other. I am talking about those who supported me no matter what I decided to do. I am talking about those who connected with me on much deeper level, the ones who became my guides, companions and friends.
Those who became my second family.
A bit loud, sometimes drunk, gossiping and swearing. No family is perfect but the perfection lies within the imperfections. They make us human and when we don't mind them, then we know we found our imperfect perfection in form of self-picked family.
Second family which taught me how to ask for help. Second family which helped me to accept help. without feeling bad for it. Second family which might be in a completely different life phase but which despite their age reminded me how fucking great it is to behave like a little child. Second family who creates a safe space where I am truly and fully myself. 
They helped to create a magical space. Without them those streets would be just a nice summer destination for once. Without them so many life joruneys of mine would not happen. Without them I would not become creative again. Without them I would not be able to speak up for my beliefs, my truth, myself.
They are all different. None of them is the same despite the fact they are a lot alike.
They know how to provoke me to become with new ideas, concepts and ways of  creating the best life possible. They know how to calm me down. They know how to speak with me despite the fact our mother tongues are different. 
They see my soul and I see theirs.

And I know one day I will have to leave one family in order to reunite with the other one.

P.S. They also cracked me up today when one of them told me I am like a female Morgan Freeman. This has been, genuinely, the best compliment I have ever received. Thank you Ricky!
When creating for my loved ones - I pour my heart and soul in it. And if I can do so via words, my voice and video visuals, I just let the creative Barbora play. Like a little kid - without expectations, judgements nor condemnation. just doing what feels right in that particular moment.

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