Last night I couldn't sleep and I had a series of small anxiety attacks. Again. Another one, big one came in the morning, right after waking up. I couldn't breathe and I felt the weight of the whole world.
And I don't know if it was in the evening, during the night or in the morning, but I found out what to do with myself in following months. I wasn't sure if I should stay here or not. If I should go back home or to UK. Or sowhere else. And then the solution came to me. So easy - Asia. I have exactly few weeks to "kill" and this has been my plan last year, so why not to change the timing a bit.
I feel way calmer. It still takes my breath away when I think about you not being part of my life anymore. I cannot imagine my days without your presence at least via messages. It kills me, it really does. But if we weren't ment to be, than I cannot persuade you to stay.
I am super scared of tonight. I am scared to see you even though I cannot wait for that. I think you have already erased me from your life and from your home and that is why you don't want to talk to me at your place. You might be scared that us there would remind you of everything what we said and did there and you might would like to continue in it. Or maybe you don't want to have bad memories attached to your home (which for some time (should) have been mine, too) or somebody else will be waiting there for you after our conversation. Who knows...
I just know that I am scared and excited at the same time. To see you for one last time.
I kind of gave up my hope. I don't think you would change your mind. I wish for it with my whole heart, but I am not sure if this miracle will happen.
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