You called me today, like hour ago to explain everything to me. You said you will not be able to write it down as you promised and that it put too much pressure on you. OK. I accepted the "spoken version". Even though I wanted to have something to go back to. And now I have nothing.
You told me you did it because you thought it was right. Because you followed your gut. Things were wrong for the last month and a half or so and you felt like we idealised each other and our relationship. We were not true and we pretended it could work. You also said it was mostly because of my jealousy. Your words: "You were the purest thing in my life, but jealousy took you away".
You are not sure if it was the right thing and now you are suffering a lot. You don't know how to trust people. Again.
I had a feeling like you are regreting the relationship. And when I told you what I think and what it all taught me, you told me all of this did not teach you a single thing about relationships. Maybe about love, but nothing about relationships. You also said, with a really direct and hurting voice that you are not here to be my guide and teach me hot to live, how to do things I have never done before. Because "you are not my father or grandpa but you are (you were) my boyfriend".
Like if I wanted you to be that.... I didn't. I wanted to just be with you. And yes, I learn from the people around me and if I am spending a lot of time with you, I will for sure learn from you. Even if I don't want to. But I do. I do want to learn as much as I can throughout my life. Because I believe sharing and learning is the true essence of life. Now I know it and i am glad for it.
You told me that you felt like I was too attached to you, to us. That it, in a way, suffocated you. And yes. I have to admit I have an issue with that. I had that issue before you and I was working on that with the psychologist I was seeing few years back. And even though I thought I overcame it, I might have actually fell back into it with you. That might have been the "trigger" for the jealousy. And I used a paralel with horses and flaps on their eyes to explain how I understand jealousy. I think you didn't get it. But that is not my issue anymore. That is your life now. And you have to battle through it the way how you decide to. And you were the one who decided I should not be next to you on your life journey therefore you have to figure out how to get out of this.
You kicked me out of your life and I am not the one who should be comforting you. I am hurt myself. I have trust issues myself. And I love you a lot. A fucking lot! But right now I have to fix myself because I don't have the capacity to help to fix somebody else. In the beginning of the year you told me I helped to fix you from the previous relationship. And look where it got us, how much it took from me. It drained me. It took all of my energy and it changed me into somebody I never wanted to be. I have to focus on myself and my own healing now. I want to become the best version of myself I can, before helping anybody else on their life journey.
It might not seem like that to you. But I have changed. A lot! Everything I have said might have changed your opinion on me for the worse. But that is your perception. I know I am doing the right things and I know that one day you will understand and you will se how much I have improved.
(Regarding attachement in relationships - I believe that if 2 people truly want to continue in life together, their goals and ways how to reach them will change. And I believe it is right and it is natural. Life is energy. And energy is transforming all the time. Therefore change is inevitable and it should be welcomed because it improves constantly and if it is not going in a completely opposite direction all of the sudden, then it is not wrong. Change is necessary. Stagnation is the poison.)
I still believe that one day we will see the old spark again. I believe that we are compatible. It was just a wrong timing.
But unless you see it the same, we cannot move forward. We will be able to proceed once you see it the same way. Once you are willing to start from a new beginning.
All over again.
Te amo amigo.
Te amo babovkito.
I haven't been here, on this planet in this lifetime for long. I haven't experienced as much as others. But I have gone through a lot in such a short time that I have grown beyond my expectations. And I am proud of that. And I will not let anybody say that I am not good, experienced or improved enough. This is not a competition. We cannot compare each other. We are all different. This is life. Don't judge the journey of others based on your one. They might be faster or slower, taking the highway or mountain road. Their car might be the newest model with basically no milage or well driven veteran. It is their journey and you are not here to judge it.
Speaking about attachement - do you know what happened in last 2 months? I lost my life partner, I lost my future, I lost my house, I lost my job, my health. I lost my grandpa and I lost myself. I have experienced it all at once. Everything what I was attached to and what was stable in my life disappeared. So for fuck sake, don't tell me I attach to everything too much. I have learned my lesson. I am not attaching anymore, to anything or anyone. Not even you (or at least I am trying not to).
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