Monings as well as time when the sun slowly starts to set are the hardest. They remind me of you too much.
I don't have the energy to do anything whole day. It is a huge paralysis which got my whole system. Eating is just a necessity and something I am trying to eliminate as I don't feel the taste anyway. I would like to just crawl into bed and sleep, forget about everything and just disappear. Go away from the Earth surface. Just to stop this emptiness. I don't know what to do with myself. Focusing seems impossible, setting plans and trying to execute them pointless.
You are gone and you are not planning to come back. I wish I could detach from my feelings like you do. Not to feel anything. Just do my daily, which I don't even know what it is. I am without job, with hurt feet, drowning emotions and fifty million pieces of something what used to be my heart.
This might be a test on my path. End even though I don't want to fail, I think I am doing so. The idea of somebodyelse than you coming closer and even just trying to hug me fills me with disgust. Thinking about anything else, more is impossible. I don't know if I will ever let anybody so close like I did with you even though I am desperate for a hug. The true one only you knew how to give. I kind of hate you for teaching me that. What was once beautiful act now seems as the biggest trap. And you are slowly replacing me. You do so as easy as it sounds. Without a blink of eye. Just finding somebody who would take my place - in your head, heart, bed, life...
I hate you!
I fucking hate you for what you have done to me and for all the lies you told me. You fucking bastard.
I hate you.
And I hate that I still love you.
I don't know if I will ever forgive you.
I was just another number, nothing more. 46... Yes, I hated this. I hate it. I hate you and I cannot believe that I ever apologized to you. You did NOT say sorry one time. You did not apologize for what you have done. How you hurt me. how you shreaded me apart. You accused me from hurting you but do you have an idea what you have done to me?
I don't think you know. And I think you don't even care. Because I wasn't anything more than just a distraction for a moment.
I hate you!!!!
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