I cannot. I cannot anymore.
I cannot breathe. There are moments when I loose it all... I thought I would be able to move on. To move on once you are far away. I thought me coming home would help to distance me from everything, all the pain. You. Us.
But. I just discovered how much I hate the smell of the air here. How I miss those little streets which were filled with pain and sorrow. How I miss anything what would remind me of us. That all of this was not just an amazing dream. Dream and never a reality. And the only thing which makes it real is your shirt. The only thing I have from you and which will remind me of you. It slowly looses your smell.
You dissappear from my life more and more every second and there is nothing I can do.
I cannot remember how it feels to have you close. How your fingers dance on my skin. How your eyes look. How you smell. How your laugh sounded. How your soul danced together with mine.
And everything I got is silence. Sillence which kills me.
I just read the lines you wrote to the previous one. I read those lines of your hurt, sorrow, grief... And when I read them, the thingh which came to my mind devasted me.
Nothing for me. Not a single word. Like if this did not touch you. Like if it is just a little bump on the road. Like if me hurting you deleted everything what happened before. All the plans and dreams we had together, all the emotions, love, understanding, trust. Everything is gone because of me.
The last memory of you I have is your back. Yesterday, when I was coming with my suitcases to the bus stop I went by your house. You didn't know I was there, you were talking to your neighbour and I couldn't stop but I will have forever in front of my eyes your back.The same shirt you wore the day I met you. I hate red a black checked shirts now.
I left as if I was defeated. And I am. The place which should have been our home now haunts me. Every morning and evening I picture you by my side. I picture us preparing breakfast in that little and dirty kitchen. I imagine how we do the normal thing which making big breakfast and then sitting down on terrace was. I imagine how we are falling into the sheets in your dark room. Pretending we are going to sleep but knowing that is the last thing we want to do and the last thing we will actually do. I imagine us becoming connected, body to body, breath in breath, skin rubbing, hair pulling, groans and desires whispered. I can almost feel everything I felt in those moments of pure connection.
And then I realize you are not here. I am not there. And my whole body starts to ache. Starts to shake. I cannot breathe. I lose it all.
I want to feel physical pain. That is the only thing which helps with the heart and soul ache.There is crumbled soul in a healthy shell.
I feel empty.
But I have to pretend I am fine. Instead of crawling to your arms for a hug and kiss I have to stand tall. Alone. And pretend that everything will be fine. Is fine. That I am managing it and I am strong. I know I am and that I will become way stronger but the scars will never dissappear.
I will work on myself. I will become the best possible version of myself. For you. For me. For my future.
Maybe one day you will have a chance to see it. You will search for me in order to find out how the girl you once knew and loved is doing. And by then I will be way stronger than we can even imagine now.
I know that I will reach that spot and I hope you will too. One day we will meet again and we will realize that we are true soulmates and we could make it work then. Now.
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